It seems like I am reading a lot lately about teens and sexting. As a parent or a grandparent, I cannot imagine dealing with this. I wouldn’t even know where to begin.
I am interested in what you have to say about it.
You’re right that sexting became a much-publicized topic, especially after a sexting scandal at a Colorado high school was featured by several prominent national news outlets, including The New York Times and CNN.
You are not alone in trying to understand what sexting is all about, so a logical starting point is a definition. Quite simply, sexting is the sending of sexually explicit photos, images, text messages, or e-mails by using a cell phone or other mobile device. Why sext? Kids sext for a variety of reasons: for attention; to entice someone; to show interest in someone; to prove commitment; to deal with sexual energy.
Sexting is prevalent. According to research:
- 10 to 20% – guys and girls – have sent sexually suggestive pictures;
- 15 to 33% of teens have received them;
- 51% of teen girls said pressure from a guy was the reason they sexted, compared to just 18% of teen boys who said they felt pressure from a girl;
- 77% said they would not want one of their sext pictures circulated;
- 68% said they would do things digitally that they would not do in person.
These statistics are pretty cut and dried. However, if you want to understand quickly the human, emotional, and dangerous aspects of sexting, I suggest you watch the following three videos, each about seven minutes duration: ‘Sexting In America: When Privates Go Public,’ Part I, Part II, Part III.
In this series, 19-year-old Ally shares her firsthand experience with sexting: “Things were going well in my life; I was a really good girl. My boyfriend and I broke up and he said we could get back together if I sexted him a picture of me; his request made me feel wanted, so I did it.” The boyfriend shared her sext picture with one friend, who shared it with another friend, who shared it . . . By the time Ally went to school the next day hundreds of her schoolmates had a copy. She was ostracized, demeaned, and publicly called a whore, skank, and a slut. Although Ally was devastated, she was not suicidal, as have been other young girls in this same situation.
After watching Ally’s story, I was upset that she alone was paying such a high price for being so naively trusting and for using poor judgment. I was thinking, hey, what about her boyfriend, the one who betrayed her? As the videos progress, her specific boyfriend is not discussed, but another young man named Phillip is. His story illustrates that often it is not just the one posing in a sext that pays a high price.
When he was 18, legally an adult, Phillip says he was angry with his under-18-year-old girlfriend, and in the middle of the night he “stupidly and impulsively” hit Select All and sent off a nude photo of her. As a result, here is what happened to Phillip: he was charged as a sex offender; he was kicked out of college; no one will hire him; he cannot live within a certain distance of a school or place of worship and therefore, he cannot live with his father, who lives near a high school; he has to pay for and attend classes for sexual deviants and listen to stories about rape and child molestation; he will be listed as a sex offender until he is 43.
It is clear from Ally’s, Phillip’s and others’ experiences that sexting can be a source of shame, embarrassment, and humiliation, not to mention, illegal, when minors are involved.
So, what can caring adults can do to protect tweens and teens from the risks of sexting? First and foremost, it is important to remember that tweens and teens are impulsive, they are inexperienced when it comes to decision-making, they are making their way in a sexually-charged culture, and when they fall in love, they are sure it is forever, and they place enormous trust in and loyalty toward their love interest.
I found parenting expert Natalie Blais’s “5 Golden Rules for Teaching Kids about Sexting Dangers” article and video informative and helpful. In summary, she says it is important for parents to initiate conversations with young people about personal responsibility, personal boundaries, and how to resist peer pressure. Important points to make in these conversations include:
- Remind them that the Internet is forever.
- Be empathetic to others.
- Teach that there are real consequences to their actions.
- Give children back their dignity.
- Only post or text what you’d want Grandma to see.
In closing, I reference New York Times Op-Ed contributor Jonathan Zimmerman, who writes:
“Our kids already know that sexting can be embarrassing and humiliating, in certain situations. And they also know that it can be perfectly innocuous in others, as when a romantic couple shares intimate photos and deletes them right afterward . . . What they need is someone to help them sort out which is which . . . The most promising sex education initiatives right now are text-messaging services, which allow teenagers to submit questions anonymously and receive informed answers”.
I have compiled four online services offering help and guidance while maintaining a caller’s confidence and anonymity. Young people should know about these resources for those times they want some adult guidance, but may not feel comfortable approaching their parents, grandparents, or other adults in their lives regarding sexting, and other questions about sex and sexuality.
Planned Parenthood Chat
Love Is Respect, Chat or Call
Remedy Live Chat
Kids Help Phone, Chat or Call 800-668-6868
When it comes to sexting, this is the message we want to get across:
Love is fleeting.
A sext is 4ever.
Ask Dr. Gramma Karen is published every other Tuesday.
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Karen L. Rancourt has a new book,
Ask Dr. Gramma Karen, Volume II: Savvy Advice to Soothe Parent-Grandparent Conflicts
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