I received several comments about my column, “Grandmother Hesitant to Voice Concerns About Granddaughters’ Dietary Habits.” The responses generally fell into one of three categories: (1) The grandmother should share her concerns head-on with her daughter-in-law; (2) The grandmother should not share her concerns; (3) Ambivalence – readers admitted to going back and forth on whether or not the grandmother should speak up.
I think it is helpful to share how one reader succinctly frames the basic issue: “Does someone’s behavior potentially cause a health risk, or is it more of an annoying ‘thing’ that they do? If it’s a health risk, I think it’s OK to be more overt in expressing your concern.” How one responds to this statement about a real health risk versus an annoyance can determine his/her next steps.
Head-On Expression of Concerns
Some readers felt the grandmother should share her concerns head-on with her daughter-in-law. “Since the grandparent has confidence she has a solid relationship with her DIL, I say ‘approach the subject directly.’ This can be done in a loving and caring way that is non-judgmental. They can work together for what is in the best interest of the children, including sharing the resources you provided.”
The potential problem is that no matter how gently and lovingly an MIL approaches her DIL in this type of a situation, it is hard for the recipient not to feel judged because, as a matter of fact, she is being judged! If one chooses to be direct in confronting someone, they must accept the reality that, regardless of how the message is packaged, they are being judgmental. The message is, “You need to change what you are currently doing.”
If one decides to proceed with a direct head-on approach, the blog “When to Speak Up and When to Bite Your Tongue”, posted by GaGa Sistehood founder Donne Davis, may prove helpful. Answering the ten questions she references can help with the decision whether to speak up or remain silent.
The Grandmother Should Not Share Her Concerns Head-On
One set of grandparents feels very strongly about this and wrote: “Our advice is do not say anything directly about what your grandchildren are eating. We learned that lesson the hard way. In retrospect we wish we had known about your ideas about ways to engage our grandchildren in preparing meals together and about having our own rules for when the grandchildren were with us in our home.
“Both our son and our DIL were furious with us for ‘criticizing’ them and things remain cool between us. At first they were so upset with us we were afraid they were going to tell us we couldn’t see the grandchildren anymore. We thought we had a great relationship with our DIL. I guess we did, until we pointed out our concerns about the grandchildren’s diets. We regret speaking up.”
Hmm. Ambivalence . . .
The ambivalence of readers is best expressed in this comment: “As I was reading the situation, I was like ‘Yeah, yeah, tell the DIL,’ but then when I read the grandmother’s update I was thinking, ‘Hmm. Good thing she didn’t go for the jugular right off the bat.’ I’m just not sure what the right thing to do is with this. This really gave me pause.”
Pause. Yes, let’s go with that!
Sometimes the best thing to do is pause, that is, take a deep breath – an emotional time out of sorts – before responding in these kinds of situations in which decisions can have long-lasting implications. As I expressed to one reader who wrote me about this column, “I think a corollary to this situation is that the grandmother should be commended for using some restraint. Her instincts are telling her to proceed with caution and she is honoring her discomfort. It is so ‘American’ to take quick, decisive action – that is, to say what needs to be said, do what needs to be done, and then move on – and many times this impulsivity and need for action undermine the very things we claim to care about: the important relationships in our lives.”
A reader concurs: “I agree with you. I suspect the grandmother fears overstepping in some way and causing irreparable damage to relationships.” Another writes: “I so appreciate that you gave the advice to NOT jump right in with ‘judgmental’ advice and to instead kind of plan ways to incorporate healthy eating ideas when the grandchildren are with grandparent(s)!”
Another reader writes: “I loved reading this article, great delivery and options. I enjoy learning new ways to address these types of issues without putting the hen house on fire.” (“Hen house on fire.” I love that!)
Grandmother’s Update
I close by sharing what the grandmother decided to do: “I have consciously done nothing for fear of disrupting the relationship between my daughter-in-law and me. I will also add that they [her son and daughter-in-law] are going through a very challenging time with one another and my bringing up this issue would not add anything positive into their lives at this time.” This grandmother reminds us of the importance of timing and circumstances when deciding whether to confront.
Ask Dr. Gramma Karen is published every other Tuesday.
E-mail queries to [email protected]
Karen L. Rancourt‘s most recent book is,
Ask Dr. Gramma Karen: Helping Young Parents and Grandparents Deal with Thorny Issues.
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