Advice on Giving Unsolicited Advice

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When does giving advice become interfering? I ask because my daughter-in-law told me that I was “interfering with her parenting” when I told her she should let my granddaughter go to a sleep over birthday party. My granddaughter is 12 and tends to be a bit shy. I think this party would be great opportunity for her to build some good friendships.

My feelings were hurt and when I tried to talk with my son about it, he said I needed to talk with my daughter-in-law.

I don’t know if I should just let this go or if I should explain to my daughter-in-law why I gave the advice that I did. I thought we had a good relationship and this has really upset me.

You ask, “When does giving advice become interfering?” I don’t mean for this to sound flip, but the simple answer is whenever your daughter-in-law says you’re interfering. Yes, you have good intentions, and yes, you are thinking about your granddaughter, and yes, you have lots of experience to bring to the table, but none of that matters. What does matter at this point is that your daughter-in-law has told you that you interfered with her parenting.

Your situation reminds me of a classic scene in the 1989 Batman movie where the Alicia Hunt character (played by Jerry Mack) and Jack Nicholson, who plays Jack Napier, the Joker, are standing in front of a mirror. Unsolicited, Hunt compliments Napier by saying in a sultry voice, “You look fine.” Napier drawls in reply, “I didn’t ask.”

And there it is in a nutshell! “I didn’t ask.”

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I think talking with your daughter-in-law is in order, but I suggest you not start the conversation by explaining (in effect, justifying) why you said what you said.  If you start the conversation that way, you will be telling her in a polite way that what you said was appropriate and that she is incorrect in thinking you were interfering. She has already said you were interfering, so let’s start there. To set the right tone, your might begin by saying: “I owe you an apology for interfering in the situation about Darlene’s (fictitious name) invitation to the sleep over. You didn’t ask for my opinion. I am really sorry.” And then stop talking!

There are a variety of responses you may get, e.g., “I was not really upset about what you said. I am upset because I heard from a neighbor that the girl’s family giving the sleep over has a huge dog that bites.” Or, “I know you meant well, but saying that in front of Darlene made me the bad guy and you the good guy.” Or, “You’ve been doing this more and more, and I’ve wanted to talk to you about this.” Or, “Apology accepted. No big deal.”

Whatever the response, you’ll have a better idea of where you are in your relationship with your daughter-in-law, and you’ll know what you need to say. What happened between the two of you could be a minor one-off, or it could be an indication of something that needs to be addressed. It does, however, raise the issue of giving unsolicited advice. (And yes, there are those rare times involving health and safety, when unsolicited advice must be given. For example, you hear from the local librarian that the sleep over is going to be un-chaperoned and kids all over town know about it.)

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Whenever you find yourself wanting to give your daughter-in-law unsolicited advice, it’s worth envisioning Jack Nicholson saying, “I didn’t ask.” Remembering these three words can help you decide if giving that advice might very well be interfering with her parenting.

Side comment: I applaud your son for telling you to take up your hurt directly with your daughter-in-law. He, in effect, is giving you some good advice – solicited advice that you asked for when you approached him – by letting you know he doesn’t want to be in the middle of the situation between you and your daughter-in-law. Good for him! There are times when a son or daughter needs to protect their spouse from a parent or in-law, but this is not one of those times.

This is perhaps a topic for another day.

Read the follow-up to this article.

 

Ask Dr. Gramma Karen is published every Thursday.

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