A Plan For Creating Family Rules
Are your children confused about what is allowed and what is not allowed in your home? Do you and your partner have different ideas about what the kids can and cannot do? Is yelling the main form of communication in your world? Yes? This sounds like your family? Well, read on.
Clear rules are the key to a home that runs smoothly, at least most of the time (nothing runs smoothly ALL of the time.) When rules are clear, there is no room left for all of the negotiating that is ardently utilized by children of all ages – as well as some grown ups I know.
Many families are unaware of the importance of clear and concise rules. Here are a few ideas on how to bring constructive rules into your home and foster the respect, teamwork, and fun that you and your family have been longing for:
- Sit down with your family – yup, the kids too – and write down the rules that you all think will create a happy, safe, and respectful home. Including all of the family members will lay the groundwork for the teamwork mentioned earlier. You will be showing your children that they matter. That they are a vital and active part of the family.
- After writing down everyone’s ideas, cross out the ones you may not need (such as your 5-year-old’s “no-sisters-allowed-on-the-couch” suggestion), and consolidate the others. Hitting, kicking, and pushing are all acts of aggression. Yelling, teasing, and ignoring are all acts of disrespect. They can each be combined into one word to keep things simple.
- The next step is to flip any negative rules into positive ones. Even we grown up people can get confused about what is expected of us when we are only told what not to do. Instead of telling your family what they cannot do, let them know what behaviors are desired. No Hitting turns into Use kind and helping hands. No Yelling turns into Use calm voices. No Running turns into We use walking feet inside.
- Here is the most important question for grown ups to ask themselves when making rules: Can YOU follow the rules? Yes, YOU – the GROWN UPS in the house. The rules that the family makes are for the family. The whole family. Yup, even you, mom and dad. And even you, grandma and grandpa. The rules are for everyone in the house, and you are mentors and need to model the behaviors that you want to see from your kids. If one rule is to use kind hands, that means you, as the parents, need to use kind hands. If a rule is to use quiet voices, then you as the parents need to use quiet voices. If you are yelling to keep a person from danger or are being silly and playing, yelling is just fine. Both are very good reasons to be loud.
Wonderful! So now you have rules. I suggest no more than five to keep them easy to remember. Put them up where everyone can be reminded of them.
Uh, oh. What’s that? Oh. Someone broke a rule. What do you do then? When a child or grown up breaks a rule, he should be given a chance to make up for that action. Uh huh, I was serious. If you want teamwork, you have to be part of the team. The child or grown up needs to be given an opportunity to try again the “right” way. For example, if a child is using yelling words to get what she wants, give her a gentle reminder. “We use our calm words to ask for things.” Younger children may need to be given the words that you would like them to use. Tell your sister, “I was not done with the car yet. Please give it back.”
Seems like more work, you say? Well, at first, yes it is – but the payoffs are worth it. After a just a bit, the arguments about what is and is not allowed will end. The family will have learned that respect and kindness work better than yelling and hitting to get the desired effects. Children will discover that they are a valued part of the family. They will be more willing to help out the team when it is needed.
Excited? Ready for change? Got a pen and some paper? Maybe even glitter and stickers for the beautiful Family Rules poster?
Now gather everyone up, let the brainstorming begin, and watch your family grow together into a fun, respectful team.
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Brandi Davis, ACC, is a professional Parenting Coach, Parent Educator, and Author of O.K. I’m A Parent Now What? She can also be found on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and be sure to catch her parenting podcasts on iTunes. The goal of Brandi’s practice is to bring respect, calm communication, teamwork, and FUN into the home or classroom. To discover all that Child and Family Coaching can bring to your family stop by www.childandfamilycoaching.com.
The views and opinions expressed on this blog are purely the blog contributor’s. Any product claim, statistic, quote or other representation about a product or service should be verified with the manufacturer or provider. Writers may have conflicts of interest, and their opinions are their own.
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