All my friends and I use Time Out, but agree that it is not working for us most of the time. Are we doing it wrong?
I cannot tell you how many times I am asked about Time Out. Many parents and educators are stuck in Time Out Mode – the situation in which grown ups try to get kids to sit in the time-out spot and the child refuses and then explosions ensue. There is more time spent on that dance than the child would have spent in time out. If this is your routine, it is time for a change.
“I said clean up the blocks or you get a time out!”
Yes, “time out” is what adults are being told to tell non-listening children, but without explanation of why a child is in “time out,” the life lesson is being lost. In the aforementioned scenario a child will hear this:
“I did not clean, so I am in trouble.”
Maybe that IS what you are saying, but that will not prevent the mess leaving the next time your child is playing. So if Time Out does not work, what does??? Logical Consequences. Consequences that teach a life lesson and have a child take responsibility for her choices and actions. Let’s re-look at the scenario another way.
“I need you to clean up the blocks or you cannot move onto another activity. If you are not going to clean, you will have to stay here until you are ready to. You choose when you get to move on but you are in the cleaning up part of your day right now.” (Said in a calm, quiet voice)
The child takes responsibility for the mess and in the end cleans it up. May take 10 minutes, may take an hour.
Sometimes a child DOES need to be excused from a space if she is not being safe and kind with hands or words. If a child needs to find a place to calm down, reboot and have time away, let the child choose where she wants to go. This can be a bedroom, living room, or another safe place, but be clear about why the child is excused. “You are pushing your brother and I told you that it is my job to keep everyone safe. You are not being safe right now. Please find somewhere to be and find a quiet activity.”
What makes Time Out inefficient is the lack of connection and explanation. “You yelled at me, go sit on the step in time out!” “You threw the toy, go sit on the step in time out!” Be clear about why you do not like the behavior that you are seeing, be clear about the behavior that you DO want to see, and if you need to move forward with discipline, have the discipline be connected to the unwanted behavior, a Logical Consequence.
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Brandi Davis, ACC, is a professional Parenting Coach, Parent Educator, and Author of O.K. I’m A Parent Now What? She can also be found on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and be sure to catch her parenting podcasts on iTunes. The goal of Brandi’s practice is to bring respect, calm communication, teamwork, and FUN into the home or classroom. To discover all that Child and Family Coaching can bring to your family stop by www.childandfamilycoaching.com.
The views and opinions expressed on this blog are purely the blog contributor’s. Any product claim, statistic, quote or other representation about a product or service should be verified with the manufacturer or provider. Writers may have conflicts of interest, and their opinions are their own.
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