In case you missed it, Mommybites Bergen hosted one of its signature in-person events last week, which brought moms together for lunch, socializing and important parenting information. The Peaceful Parenting event featured expert Dr. Kevin Brennan, Clinical Psychologist and Parent Coach, and focused on how to remove frustration and anger from the tough job of parenting.
We began by acknowledging the difference between anger that comes from frustration and anger that is expressed as a tempting tool to intimidate our kids into compliance.
Dr. Brennan related that using anger as a discipline tool is called “Intimidation Discipline.” An angry tone is actually trying to accomplish the same job as parents who physically abuse their kids. Right or wrong, intimidation discipline does not work because the community no longer supports it (would you want your kids teacher to have a screaming fit at your child?) Without that support, Your child will misbehave anywhere you cannot intimidate. Also, kids will DEFINITELY call your bluff, and if you are not willing to hit your children, then you are bluffing.
The discussion then moved to a discipline technique that was designed to reduce frustration by placing forced choices in your child’s hand. This type of discipline is called “Redemption Discipline.” Redemption discipline works by using chores (extra work) as the punishment instead of taking away privileges.
The privileges (phone, TV, I-Pad, etc.) are used instead as collateral toward getting the chore done that you asked them to do. It is completely UP TO THEM whether they do it or not, or when they do it, but EVERY privilege is removed until they do it. This forced choice allows your child to choose to submit to your parental authority and gives you, the parent, relief from having to win the “battle.” You reinstate your power with the order and wait them out to win “the war.”
There was a time for Q & A when the group delved into how this method can be used in different family environments, including different age groups.
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