Dear Dr. Gramma Karen:
Karl, our son-in-law, is a bully! He didn’t start out that way. He and my daughter were high school sweethearts and dated for several years before they married in their mid 20’s. The marriage got off to a terrible start because in the first year he ran off with another girl. He returned after a few weeks and it took them about six months to work things out. They settled down, bought their first home, then their own business.
After 10 years of marriage, they blessed us with a grandson, Derrick, who is now13. This is when Karl started to change. He became controlling toward our grandson, bullying him, belittling him in every way he possibly can. He restricts our grandson’s food intake so much that our grandson sneaks it now, and that in turn gets him in trouble. Derrick may need braces, so instead of building up his confidence and telling him that he will look cool, his dad tells him he doesn’t want him to get them because the kids will make fun of him.
He punishes Derrick for the least little thing. For example, Derrick was playing with his Nerf basketball in his bedroom and didn’t stop immediately when his dad told him to stop. His dad came in, ripped the hoop off the door and threw it into the dresser mirror and shattered it to pieces.
Other examples of Karl’s violent temper: He has ripped a full length cupboard door, 7 foot, completely off it’s hinges, because he was mad it wouldn’t close right; he has punched holes in the walls out of anger. As far as I know, he has never hit my daughter or the kids. (Our granddaughter, Diana, is now ten; she is less the object of Carl’s wrath than is Derrick.)
Both of my grandkids are scared. My daughter has been around him for so long, I think she has started to overlook just how bad he is. He took the kids away from us, for a four-month period, no reason given – we assume it was all about his exerting power and control.
We are the only ones they have to babysit, but yet we have to walk on eggshells not to upset him for fear of not getting to see our grandkids. We are the only stable factor in our grandchildren’s lives right now. Our grandkids need us as much as we need them.
How can we deal with this ogre and big bully?
Dr. Gramma Karen’s Response
Based on the examples included here, as well as others you shared that space precludes including, there is no question that your son-in-law (SIL) has anger management problems, i.e., explosive angry responses that are out of proportion to Derrick’s behavior, as well as blaming others for all the disappointments and shortfalls in his life.
You are correct in asserting that because your grandchildren live in constant fear of his outbursts and unpredictable behavior, they are victims of emotional abuse. (The Department of Health and Human Services, Children’s Bureau, Child Welfare Gateway, has published an informative fact sheet on the various forms of abuse.)
When people learn that children are being emotionally abused, such as your grandchildren, a typical response is to want to report the offending parent(s) to the appropriate agencies. At first blush this action may make sense, but from a legal perspective, emotional abuse is, alas, difficult to prove, unlike physical abuse that is easier to prove.
For example, another publication from the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Children’s Bureau states that in 2010, there were more than 3.6 million reports of maltreatment [of children, including emotional abuse], but after Child Protective Services agencies investigated, four-fifths of the children were found not to be victims of actual abuse. This finding raises the question: When does excessive/harsh discipline become abuse? Two sources may be of interest in addressing this question: (1), (2).
It does not appear you have reportable circumstances at this time. Having said that, in answer to your question of how you can best deal with your son-in-law, I am going to make two suggestions: (1) Do not antagonize your son-in-law; (2) Take some proactive steps in case your son-in-law’s emotional abuse starts to include physical abuse.
Do Not Antagonize Your Son-in-Law
As you already know, you and your husband must walk on eggshells at all times because your SIL can cut you off from seeing your grandchildren any time he chooses, as he has already proven. Be cordial and polite to your SIL at all times: that means you do not criticize him, you do not judge him. If things get uncomfortable between you and your SIL, you simply ask: “How can we help?” You need to stay in his good graces so your grandchildren can spend time with you, especially for overnights in your home.
A corollary to this advice is that you never say anything about your SIL that, even if innocently repeated to him by one of your grandchildren, could provoke him. When you are with your grandchildren you do a lot of listening and empathizing: “Yes, it must be hard for you that sometimes your dad gets angry with you. Let’s talk about things that seem to upset your dad and what you can do so you don’t upset him.”
Also, you can remind your grandson, over and over, that he is a wonderful, kind, smart, talented boy and that you’re sorry that he sometimes feels scared. Tell him that when he is made to feel like a bad boy, you want him to remember that he is a good boy.
Take Some Proactive Steps In Case Your Son-in-Law’s Emotional Abuse Starts to Include Physical Abuse
I have three resources for you that may come in handy. First, you may find it helpful to talk with a professional who specializes in domestic violence to get some advice about how to deal with the challenges of your situation. Here are two Web sites that provide lists of professionals by state [(1), (2)].
Second, it might be to your advantage to have a domestic violence/abuse attorney in the background ready to act if circumstances warrant legal help. Again, establishing a relationship now could prove beneficial downstream. Here are two Web sites that provide lists of attorneys by state [(1), (2)].
Third, you want to know about U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Child Help or Child Protective Agencies, and Hotlines (listed by state) that you can contact at any time for advice and/or to take action. Some allow you to remain anonymous; all will honor confidentiality.
Establishing a relationship with a therapist and/or an attorney who specializes in domestic violence/abuse can put you in a better position to be most helpful and supportive to your grandchildren, especially to Derrick, who seems to be on the receiving end of most of your son-in-law’s wrath.
You and your husband have a challenging journey ahead. I have no doubt that your commitment and love will serve your grandchildren well.
Note from Dr. Gramma Karen:
Through the years I have written other columns about grandparents who have faced situations in which they have either been denied access, or have been threatened they will be denied access, to their grandchildren.
Grandmother Denied Access to Grandson
Son-in-Law Threatens to Keep Grandchildren from Mother-in-Law
Overprotective Daughter-in-Law Limits Grandparents’ Access
Daughter-in-Law Is an Obstacle to Seeing Our Grandchildren
Ask Dr. Gramma Karen is published every other Tuesday.
E-mail queries to [email protected].
Karen L. Rancourt’s most recent book is,
Ask Dr. Gramma Karen, Volume II: Savvy Advice to Soothe Parent-Grandparent Conflicts.
