On September 20, our Mommy ‘Bites’ BlogTalkRadio show featured two incredible moms, Maria & Rebecca, who share their experience and knowledge about adopting and fostering children. It was an AMAZING show that I hope you will share with anyone who may be thinking about bringing a child into their home via either one of these avenues.
Our show can be replayed here in its entirety (as well as downloaded) and we encourage you to listen to it and join in our discussion with your questions and opinions.
Here are the highlights of our show:
Heather: Why did you choose to become a foster parent or adopt?
Maria: We met our daughter first in foster care at 5 months old. She was in a foster care in Florida and my mom lived next door, so we would visit her whenever we were in Florida. When she was 8 months, my husband and I just knew she was supposed to be with us. We had her for 45 days in NYC and then they took her back for 2 years because her father wouldn’t give up the rights. We worked really hard to get her back and finally two years later we got her back.
Rebecca: I always knew I was going to be an adoptive or foster parent. I was looking for volunteer opportunities and started looking into fostering. I became familiar with the process. I was in a relationship and I joked around and would say that if my boyfriend and I broke up, then I would look into fostering a child. Well, we broke up!
Heather: You are doing this on your own, correct?
Rebecca: Yes, I am doing this all on my own. My family is all in Florida. So far I’ve had 3 foster children.
Heather: Are you involved at all in the time line of how long you have the children?
Rebecca: It’s a case by case situation. You are included, but your opinion doesn’t weigh any more than any other person’s opinion (social services, attorneys). I was definitely caught by surprise when I had to give the children back.
Heather: What is the emotional conversation you had to have with yourself before you and your husband decided to adopt?
Maria: It really was a no brainer for us. We decided ourselves, together. When we lost her for 2 years, that is when we were put through the ringer. In the end, we were battling an organization that believed that children should always be with their birth parents whenever they can. When we lost her, it was very hard for us. We didn’t go into her room – it was a very rough 2 years. We went to therapy to help us.
Heather: Is there still so much politics involved?
Maria: I can only really speak to my situation. Unfortunately we had a really negative experience. People were literally hanging up the phone on us.
Heather: Can you talk a little about your crusade with parents and fostering?
Rebecca: My crusade is that I would like to see more ‘typical’ families participate in fostering a child. And I know I have to be careful on how I say this. Growing up I knew foster families would have tons of kids living with them at one time, and I never saw a family just foster one or two, even if they had their own children. I would like to open up the idea that fostering isn’t necessarily a ‘career’ and you can just do it once.
Heather: If people want to move forward, what type of process/paperwork needs to happen?
Maria: There is a huge background check and home visits. We went through the organization without hiring an attorney and that was a big mistake. It ended up being some ‘missing paperwork’ that was the reason Lilly had to go back to Florida. You should hire an attorney to help protect you and your child as you go through the process.
Rebecca: For me it was a very easy, quick process. I attended some classes, 2 to 3 hours per week for 8 weeks, took a drug and medical test, someone came to your home to see your living situation, and that was pretty much it. www.nyc.gov and put in ‘foster care.’ I had a child in my home 2 weeks after I got the certificate!
Heather: What is the financial commitment?
Maria: For international adoption, you have to visit the child twice before they can come back with you. It’s easily 50 to 100 k.
Heather: We got a comment: “I thought about adopting. But that changed once I hit 30. Adoption rules aren’t friendly for older single mom.”
Maria: That is very true and it’s unfortunate. There is a cut off. I believe it’s in your 40’s or 50’s. It is hard for single women to adopt. I’ve heard that international adoption may be easier for single parents.
Rebecca: For fostering, being single is not an issue at all. I’m sure it varies state by state, and NY is very liberal. In terms of the difficulty or ease of parenting, having another person certainly would have been very helpful! Luckily I had great friends who helped me out.
Heather: Do parents get to choose sex or age of child they adopt?
Maria: Yes. When you fill out the forms, you get to fill out a questionnaire about the type of child you want.
Rebecca: It sounds so tacky, but in the foster system you really get to shop – you can say what age you want, sex, race, etc.
Heather: As a potential foster parent, if for some reason you give it a try and it doesn’t work for you, is there a set amount of time that is common or expected for you to be taking care of this child?
Rebecca: There is no set time. And that is pretty much the number one question about fostering. It could be anywhere between one day and 21 years! At any time, you can put in your 2 week notice that you are ready to pass the child onto another family.
Heather: Who chooses if the child gets to keep a relationship with the biological parents?
Maria: Biological parents have initial say. For us, we were advised by our attorney to request a closed adoption and we didn’t get any resistance from the birth parents.
Heather: What is your number one piece of advice?
Rebecca: My biggest piece of advice is to encourage people to sign up for the classes. They are free and are designed to help people decide if fostering is for them. You really get a good picture of what fostering is like. And there is no commitment. Even if you get your fostering license, you don’t have to take a child.
Maria: I think adoption is amazing. My husband and I have always discussed adopting. Based on everything we went through, my biggest piece of advice is to get the right people (lawyers) / support network to help you. Adoption is a tough and long process.
Heather: How can people get in touch with you?
Rebecca: fosterhoodblog@gmail.com
Maria: newyork.mom1@gmail.com
A HUGE thank you to both of our incredible guests for sharing their stories and time. We can vouch they are truly one-of-a-kind ladies and are making this world a better place for children!