A Mommybites reader asked, “What should I do if my child is a sore loser?”
It is important to teach a kid how to not be a sore loser, as well as how not to quit things because they are difficult. Luckily, Dr. Sarah Klagsbrun has come up with some helpful tips to help children lose and still feel good about themselves.
Why do children have a hard time losing?
Children ofter have issues because their parents have a hard time losing or making mistakes or admitting they were wrong. Parents often mimic their parents’s parenting. If their parents criticized them when they lost, and only saw achievement as winning, this will get transmitted to the child unless the parent makes a conscious effort to avoid this, and learns to present losing in a positive light. I’m hoping after my talk all parents will view losing as a positive thing.
Another reason why children have difficulty making mistakes and being okay with it is that they were never taught how to lose. Losing does NOT come naturally. It’s not something you grow into or become more comfortable with age. You need to learn how to practice, not give up, make mistakes and feel good about yourself in the process.
How do I teach my child to lose or make a mistake and be okay with it?
View losing as a positive thing and you need to believe this and communicate it to your child.
Watch sports events or notice other people making mistakes or challenging themselves.
Help your child deal with disappointment – allow those feelings.
Practice losing with your child. When your child loses, say “Oh man” as if not a huge deal in the scheme of things. Great games to teach this are Sorry and Trouble because you can never predict who will win and you appear to be losing and then often win in the end.
What are helpful responses vs not helpful responses?
Helpful responses are any responses that encourage your child and say something supportive. A negative comment is any comment with criticism in it.
Talk about how there will always be people better at certain things than you and not as good, but that the key to winning and getting better is practice.
What if my child cheats?
This means your child is not comfortable losing and feels like a loser when they lose. This means you as the parents need to work on this so your child still feels like a winner on the inside even when they lose. Again, this is a skill and it takes time to learn. That is why the younger you teach your child this skill the better at losing and accepting losses they will be.
Should I let my child win at games?
I say no. And certainly not every time! As a parent, I always play to win and told my children that I should win most of the time with games I’ve been playing 30 more years than they have. Plus, I tell my children I will teach you all my strategies so you’ll be a great player with your friends. And, you want your child to feel like she really won when she plays with you and that you were an honest opponent.
If you let your child win on purpose, how will your child ever believe they really won a game with you? At some point children figure it out if you lose on purpose and then all the times they won Candyland and Chutes & Ladders they are wondering if they really won.
As a therapist when I play board games with children I will sometimes let them win or make the game more equal on purpose because usually I’m working with children that are having trouble losing so if I repeatedly beat them at a game they will never want to play again. My goal is to help build up their self esteem and then slowly win more frequently to help a child hold on to self esteem when they lose.
Read Next | Is it OK for Kids to Quit?
What if my child wants to quit in the middle of a game he knows he is losing at?
Do your best to try not to let this happen. Explain to your child that you will feel proud of your child if they finish a game they know they will lose rather than quit. Teach your child that in life, you win some you lose some.
Should I let my child quit a team or afterschool activity?
Not if reason quitting is because doesn’t feel as good as other players. Then my advice would be to work with your child or ask the coach to help your child practice to get better. Even if your child is still not as good as the other players, I’d emphasize how far they’ve come and it’s not a comparison with the other players but you’re focusing on how much better they’ve gotten.
If your child wants to quit because the program is not run well or the coaches are unsupportive then I would say support your child and allow to quit.
Read Next | This Is Where to Hire an Amazing NYC Nanny
The views and opinions expressed on this blog are purely the blog contributor’s. Any product claim, statistic, quote or other representation about a product or service should be verified with the manufacturer or provider. Writers may have conflicts of interest, and their opinions are their own.
Like what you read? JOIN the Mommybites community to get the latest on FREE online classes, parenting advice, events, childcare listings, casting calls & raffles, and our Parents With Nannies Facebook group. SIGN UP NOW!