I read and loved your response to the grandma with the undisciplined twin five-year-olds. I’m in a similar situation, except my “grandchildren” – who aren’t really my grandchildren – are 10 and 11. My husband and I have been married 33 years, and these two children are from our son’s significant other (they are not married). They have been together for seven years; their new son, our grandson, is three months old.
Over the last seven years I have done several stints of childcare with these 10- and 11-year-olds. They were 3 and 4 when I met them and we got along well; they call me Grandma. I enjoyed taking them places like the children’s museum and the bookstore. And they begged to do these things. Their mother put a stop to this. I don’t think she likes me. In fact I think she resents me, as I have time and money to spend with them. She works and is still short of money. (Their biological father pays minimal child support and no insurance.)
My relationship with my son is good; he appreciates what I do with the kids. I have struggled with depression and he sees that as a sign of weakness, but this is generally our only issue.
I have made myself available pretty much anytime the kids’ mother needed someone to watch them, for example, picking them up at school or bringing them to their doctors’ appointments.
The problem is there is no discipline, only yelling and swearing. During the school year I was responsible for getting them to the bus stop. Just this half-hour chore could be immensely stressful. For example, the 11-year-old would physically attack her 10-year-old brother, or they refuse to wear proper winter clothing after being instructed by their mother as to what was necessary. Anytime I am in a childcare role there are problems with obedience.
My husband hates their behavior and believes that they should “have their asses tanned.” Even though they call him Grandpa, he doesn’t consider them his grandchildren. He was raised that if there is no blood line, it’s not a relation. I, however, LOVE them. My husband does allow me to try to care for them, but every time I do, I come home frustrated and his response is, “you asked for it.”
Please tell me there is hope for them/us.
As I think about your situation, a quote by the poet William Butler Yates comes to mind: “Too many things are occurring for even a big heart to hold.” And you, dear lady, have a very big heart. Here you are, with very little help and support, trying to do good things for your son’s partner’s children, who are a handful. I can only imagine how frustrated and isolated you must feel.
If I may, I want to remind you of the fact that your son and his partner have these two kids who are acting out inappropriately – this is their problem, not yours. But because of that big heart of yours, it sounds like you feel you must endure and accept circumstances that run counter to what is best for your own health and well-being.
Interact on your terms
That said, the first thing I think you need to do is be clear about your primary intention – that is, what is your desired outcome regarding this situation? I want to suggest that a healthy and realistic goal might be: You want to keep a connection with these two children you consider your grandchildren, and be a helpful resource to their mother and your son, but on your terms.
Let me explain what I mean by on your terms. I suggest that you need to be clear with your son and his partner about what is acceptable to you and what is unacceptable regarding your involvement with the two children. For example, if getting the kids on the bus in the morning is more than you care to handle, tell them that if the kids continue to misbehave, you will no longer be available to help out with this chore.
If your son and his partner cannot adjust their schedules to get the kids off in the morning, and money is tight for them and less so for you, you can offer as a gift to pay for someone to come in every school morning and get the kids ready. In this way you are not washing your hands totally of the problem, but rather, you are offering a win-win alternative: the children get necessary supervision in the morning (a win for your son, his partner, and the children) and you get the satisfaction of knowing you helped make something important happen (a win for you).
Other aspects of “on your terms” might include offering to take the children to various activities, e.g., a sports event, a play, but only if their mother and/or you son agree that they will come immediately to pick up the misbehaving child, or both children, should either or both get way out of line.
All this is clearly explained to the children beforehand: “Here are Grandma’s rules for when we are together. I expect you to . . . You’ll get a reminder when you’re heading in the wrong direction, but blatant disrespect or misbehavior will have these consequences . . .” and then you follow through. Another suggestion is to spend time with one of the kids at a time, thus eliminating the sibling fighting.
You don’t have to do this alone . . .
In short, I am suggesting you change your involvement to ways that work for you. Because you will be pretty much on your own in making these changes regarding your role and availability, I urge you to work with a professional, such as a family therapist, for a couple of sessions. He/she can be your advocate and advisor as you develop and implement your go-forward plan. Probably not everyone will be happy about the changes you might propose, so it will be important to have someone in your corner supporting and guiding you.
You asked if I had hope for you and your grandchildren. Yes, I do! They may be unruly right now, but even unruly kids know when they are loved, and I daresay I am confident they have a special place in their hearts for you. Focus on structuring the time you spend together, be clear about your expectations regarding their behavior, and be willing to take them home if they are rude or disobedient. I think over time you will find them more cooperative as they mature and get used to your “Grandma rules.”
I wish you and your grandchildren many pleasant and enjoyable times together.
Ask Dr. Gramma Karen is published every other Tuesday.
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Karen L. Rancourt‘s most recent book is,
Ask Dr. Gramma Karen: Helping Young Parents and Grandparents Deal with Thorny Issues.
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