My mom died a few years ago. Last year my dad married Dottie. My husband and I have a three-year-old daughter, Kelly. Here is the problem. Dottie has a rescue dog, Butch, and she insists he has to be with her all the time, and I mean all the time. Butch was at their wedding!
I don’t trust Butch. I don’t know his background, but he may have had some unfortunate history with kids because he growls at Kelly, who runs to us for protection. Dottie tells him to stop growling, and she tries to reassure us that Butch won’t hurt Kelly. I’ve talked with my dad and Dottie, asking them to please keep Butch isolated in another room while we’re at their house, but Dottie says that would not be fair to Butch because “this is his home and he’s done nothing wrong.” They won’t visit in our home because I’ve told them they can’t bring Butch.
I talked privately with my dad but he says Butch is important to Dottie and he doesn’t want to upset her. My husband and I are not sure what to do.
I daresay you and your husband know exactly what to do and you’ve done it. One of your main parenting jobs is to keep your child safe, and if you intuit, that is, feel apprehensive for any reason about Butch, then that really is the end of the discussion. You have clearly stated your boundaries: Under no circumstances is Butch to be free to approach Kelly. You’ve asked Dottie to restrain Butch and she has denied your request. (Alas, I suspect your recently-married dad fears being consigned to the proverbial marital dog house if he sides in any way with you.)
Dottie has a common response from many dog owners when their free-running canine charges up to someone: “Oh, he won’t hurt you.” Maybe yes, maybe no, but here are the facts (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta):
- There are approximately 4.7 million dog bite victims annually in the USA – 2% of the population. An American has a one in 50 chance of being bitten by a dog each year.
- There are about 800,000 dog bites victims annually requiring medical attention; 1,000 per day are treated in an emergency room (ER). This means one of every six dog bite victims ends up in the ER.
- In 2010 there were 34 fatal dog attacks in the USA.
- The odds that a bite victim will be a child are 3.2 to 1.
- Seventy- seven percent of injuries to children under 10 years old are facial.
- The majority of dog attacks (61%) happen at home or in a familiar place.
- The vast majority of biting dogs (79%) belong to the victim’s family or a friend.
I don’t know if you will find these facts reassuring (“only” 2% of people are dog bite victims each year), or they’ll strike you as a reaffirmation of your fears, or you’ll find them totally alarming and exceeding your worst fears. You and your husband can decide if you want to try again to share with your dad and Dottie the reasons why you are unwilling to take any chances with Butch having access to Kelly. It sounds like Dottie is stuck in love-me, love-my-dog, and that can be a tough paradigm to shift, but perhaps you can convince your dad and Dottie that you want them to be part of your lives, especially for Kelly’s sake, and how sorry you are that Butch cannot be a part of the family visits. Hopefully they will be willing to agree to some kind of compromise that could work for all of you. For example, one of them stays with Butch in another room while you visit with the other, or you invite them individually to your home to visit.
It would be sad indeed if Dottie and your dad decide that they are a threesome that must always include Butch, but if they take that position, at some point in her life Kelly is going to understand that her grandfather and step-grandmother decided that being separated from Butch to spend time with her was not a sacrifice they were willing to make. All you can do is keep extending the invitations, sans Butch, and hope they will respect your concerns.
In this situation, based on your distrust of a dog that already shows aggressive and unpredictable behavior by growling at your daughter, it is up to your dad and Dottie to accommodate you and your family, not the other way around.
Ask Dr. Gramma Karen is published every Thursday.
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