I feel really disappointed that my in-laws haven’t made it easier for us to stay at their house with our 14 month old. They have yet to provide anything, such as a porta-crib, toys, or books. We’d like to visit them more, but we always have to schlep so much stuff.
They also don’t like or support our routine, and if we try to suggest or change something, it is met with resistance. For example, when we told them that it’s hard for our daughter to nap during the day because there’s no way to make the room dark, they responded with “She will have to learn to sleep in the daylight at some point.” Another example: my father in-law thunders up the uncarpeted stairs and will not take off his shoes or walk up the stairs, even though he often wakes the baby, because, he said, “It’s what I like to do.”
Visiting my parents is so much easier because they’ve equipped their home for us. Last spring my in-laws had hurt feelings when my parents babysat our daughter for a weekend. We tried to explain why it was much easier to take her to my parents, but nothing changed or has been discussed since.
We otherwise love visiting them and they love having us. We feel very welcome and they love getting to see their granddaughter. My husband feels the same way as I do. We’re just not sure what to do.
I get the sense that as much as your in-laws love being around you, your husband and your daughter, it is out of their comfort zone when you are actually living in their space. Hence, I differentiate between spending time with them, which seems to be enjoyable for all concerned, and staying with them — not so enjoyable.
It sounds like you’ve been forthright and kind in letting them know what will work best for you, yet nothing has changed. Based on the resistance you’ve experienced with the bright room and the clomping shoes, there seems to be a bit of an edge to their responses. Only you can determine if this possibility applies, but many grandparents are confused, sometimes even annoyed, by their adult children’s childrearing practices. Some grandparents feel their grandchildren are being overly indulged and need to be toughened up (“She will have to learn to sleep in the daylight at some point”), and/or feel their grandchildren need to learn that everything doesn’t always revolve around them (“It’s what I like to do”).
What to do? Exactly what you have done: You’ve asked for some consideration and accommodation and it doesn’t seem to be forthcoming, so perhaps when you plan visits with them in their home, you do not stay over. If feasible, you may plan day trips. Or you may want to stay in a hotel or motel, both of which typically have both the equipment you need and dark closets large enough for a porta-crib.
If your in-laws express disappointment that you aren’t staying with them, you can explain, again, that it’s easier for you in a hotel where everything you need for staying over is more readily available. If you’re staying with them and you have to interrupt your visit to take your daughter back to the motel for a nap, you can explain, again, and always nicely, that she needs a dark and quiet place to nap. If your budget is tight, when they ask what they can get you for your birthday, tell them a night or two in a hotel or motel near them would be the perfect gift so you can visit with them.
For you and other young or new parents sharing your situation, it might be that the grandparents have become very set in their ways and routines and find it difficult to change. Or, they might feel you’re in their home, and it’s up to you to bring whatever you need, as their days of buying and maintaining baby stuff are behind them. For other grandparents who are on a strict budget, outfitting their homes may seem like a burdensome expense, in which case you might be able to purchase the basics you need and leave them at their home to cut down on your packing and schlepping.
It’s unfortunate that your in-laws don’t see that they cannot have it both ways. On the one hand, they are hurt that your daughter got to stay with the other grandparents, but on the other, when you explained why, they did not step it up to meet your clearly-explained needs.
The good news about your situation is that you, your husband and your daughter feel welcomed and have a good time when you’re together, so I suggest you focus on spending time with your in-laws in their home, but not stay over with them right now while they are unable or unwilling to accommodate what makes living in their home doable for your family. As your daughter gets older and needs less of what’s currently lacking, staying with them, with or without you and your husband, may become an option.
For right now, if you have the space and motivation, the simplest solution might be for them to come and visit you, and you can explain it’s just easier on all of you while your daughter is so young.
Ask Dr. Gramma Karen is published every Wednesday.
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