By Dahlia Peyser, Laura’s mom
It is a beautiful, warm day so you go to the park. There is a seesaw and you sit on one end of it. A sumo wrestler comes along, bows and sits on the other end of it. You fly up; he crashes down. You motion for him to move in; he motions for you to move out. Your tears are flowing, your chest is exploding , and chubster at the other end looks like he wishes he were playing with somebody else. You gaze up to the heavens as you whisper, “b-a-l-a-n-c-e. I can’t balance.”
I am an experienced mother (Laura’s and her three siblings’ to be specific.) Laura and Heather asked me how a new mother might balance her time between home and work. I liken balancing home and work to balancing a seesaw with you and Mr. Sumo on opposite ends. It just ain’t happening.
It really hurts too. I remember the first three months after the birth of my first baby when my favorite activities were watching soap operas and reading magazines containing canned soup recipes. I had worked until three days before my baby was born and it was nice to be home. I had no obligations, save caring for Jeffrey, albeit in a sleep-deprived, highly-hormonal, easily-teary, fat state.
I did not go back to work immediately, but my dear friend and neighbor did. Our babies were born three days apart. It was hard for both of us. Separating was hard for her; staying home became hard for me. There was no answer, easy or otherwise. There was no attempt to balance. Life was uncharted territory.
My suggestion for the first few months after your maternity leave ends, is to just get through them. Don’t think balance, think survival.
Now, for the rest of your working days, do a reality check on a regular basis. Remind yourself that you are out of the house because you choose to work. It may seem as if you have no choice, but you do. You choose to work because you choose to maintain your lifestyle, or you choose to protect your career, or you choose to fulfill an obligation, or sooner or later, you simply choose to stop speaking in Dr. Seuss. Do not choose to carry a back-breaking load of guilt. Even though you are a mother, you are entitled to make lifestyle choices, and notwithstanding rumors to the contrary, grounded mothers are very healthy for growing children.
So my recommendation as your child grows is to show him you are confident in your decisions and you love him very much. Show him these are two independent dynamics.
The challenge of what is traditionally termed “balancing” is not about time. It is, rather, about trusting your own appraisal as you balance your own, unique desires. And since the ultimate goal is to raise happy children (as if), the more comfortable you are with your choices, the happier your children will be. In summation, if you hear yourself saying “quality time” more than once a month you have not attained balance. Please reread.
A little about Dahlia Peyser:
Dahlia Peyser claims to have learnt everything she knows about child rearing the hard way – by having children. She believes one of the best realizations came to her with her fourth: when the child’s sandwich falls down on the ground, pick it up, blow on it, and resume lunch. Dahlia is a Financial Advisor with Morgan Stanley Smith Barney.