I received many comments on my column, “My Granddaughter’s Secret,” (posted 1/19/12). One reader began her response with, “Well – this is really a hot topic!” I think what makes it hot is that it has several threads to it: the whole idea of secrets; the topic of religion as the source of the secret; the possibility of a secretive daughter being disowned by her parents.
With regard to the general topic of secrets, several readers said they like and will use the idea of not immediately getting pulled into someone’s secrets before asking some questions and setting some boundaries, this being especially relevant to one reader because “Impulsive people like me always agree without knowing to what we are agreeing.” Another reader points out, “I can appreciate the temptation of wanting to be a granddaughter’s confidante–and wanting to help if help is needed–and not thinking of possible consequences beforehand.” A young mother wrote: “I think the best advice is to always tell the child that you aren’t sure you can keep the secret until you know what it is…AND that you will always keep him / her safe, and to let them know beforehand that you will tell the secret if it has to do with safety!”
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All respondents agreed that the time had come for the grandmother to stop being part of the daughter’s secret, with one reader taking this strong position: “The grandparent can do all in her power to end the relationship by siding with the parents and explaining the pain that the relationship will cause to all.” Another reader suggests the grandmother take the burden off herself and put it on the granddaughter: “I hope in their heart-to-heart conversation that the grandmother explains how uncomfortable she is now that she has had time to think about things and ask Ruth to go and tell her folks.” Another reader would impose a time limit and an ultimatum: “[If I were the grandmother]…I would tell the grandchild she has a week to talk with her parents or I will have to disclose the relationship.”
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With regard to parents disowning a child if they marry outside their ethnic or religious group, one reader, we’ll call her Harriet, shared her story about being the disowned child in this kind of situation. Harriet’s parents told her that they would never speak to her again if she married outside of their religion, and true to their word, Harriet’s parents did disown her when she married the man anyway. Harriet and her husband have a good marriage and together they raised three children who grew up never having met their maternal grandparents. The children were always told the truth about why they had one set of grandparents in their lives and not two sets.
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A couple of years ago Harriet’s parents shared with one of their religious leaders the story of their disowning their daughter. The religious leader told them that disowning Harriet was wrong and that they should reach out to her and her family to make amends. Harriet talked with her husband and three young adult children about the invitation from the grandparents to reconnect, leaving the decision up to the kids, all of whom decided to decline. “My kids did not feel animosity or bitterness toward my parents, their grandparents – they felt nothing towards them. They just weren’t motivated to welcome them into their lives.” Harriet’s story is sad for so many reasons and a reminder that “my way, or the highway,” especially when it involves something as personal and subjective as a choice of religion, can unnecessarily and permanently tear families apart.
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On a brighter note, another reader shared her story about her husband’s grandmother, Mama. “Back in the early 60’s, the daughter of one of Mama’s dear friends became engaged to a Jewish fellow, an act back then received as akin to sacrilege in their Irish Catholic family and community. Mama declared, ‘As long as he is good to Maureen, I don’t care what religion he is.’ Mama was the family matriarch and so everyone who knew her adopted that philosophy. Maureen and her husband’s marriage remained solid until his death.” Mama got it right!
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Note: After reading my column, “My Grandson Repeated Something Hurtful My Daughter Said” (posted 1/26/12), several readers shared personal childhood stories about repeating something they overheard, some getting into trouble for doing so, others aware that they had somehow embarrassed their parents. I thank the reader who sent me the following reminder that kids are always listening – and what they hear, they just might repeat!
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The Family Dinner Party (author unknown)
A friend hosted a dinner party for family far and wide and everyone
Was encouraged to bring all their children as well.
All during the sit-down dinner one four-year-old girl
Stared at the uncle sitting across from her.
The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.
The uncle checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in
Place but nothing stopped her from staring at him.
He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for
Him.
He finally asked her “Why are you staring at me?”
Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went
Quiet for her response.
The little girl said, “I just want to see how you drink like a fish.”
Ask Dr. Gramma Karen is published every Thursday.
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