What Is Stranger Anxiety and How Should Parents Deal With It?

A reader asked the Mommybites staff:

What the deal with stranger anxiety? My baby is extremely uncomfortable with strangers. Is it normal for babies and toddlers to be so nervous with new people?

Expert: Marsha Greenberg

Stranger anxiety is the distress a young child experiences usually between 6 and 12 months of age when someone less familiar comes into view or too close. A young child learns to trust the world through his or her parents and then as she feels more comfortable begins to venture out farther into the world. Often a young baby will crawl away from a parent but keep looking back to see if mom or dad are still there. These behaviors are all part of a child’s developing skill to navigate the world around him. When she sees a strange face she may just be hesitant, turn away, snuggle into your arms or become very agitated. All of these reactions are typical. Some of these reactions also depend on your child’s temperament. Our work is not to change their temperament but to help them become more adaptive. Don’t push them or let them tough it out. They need time and help to get more comfortable. Introduce them to the new person. Let them stay close to you until they are ready to interact.

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Mom: Leslie Blaustein

Our son unfortunately does not have ANY stranger anxiety, but a little anxiety is good. You want them to know you don’t just talk to everyone, hold anyone’s hand etc. Many friends’ kids are scared of other men, men with facial hair, etc. Just explain when reading a book, or with a puppet, that these are unique characteristics that make people special. Josh saw a man with a huge beard on the subway and started pulling on his face to pretend he looked like the bearded man. Luckily the man found humor in this! Just make light of it, and hope it does not get in the way with extra curricular activities. It did once happen in swim class and it caused a problem. Not to worry, they grow out of this phase!!!

Mommybites’ team: Heather Ouida

With my older son, I use to get a little embarrassed when he was shy or reserved around strangers because I was nervous that people would think he was being rude (and that therefore I was not a good mom!). With my younger son, I felt a little more secure with my mothering and realized that I too am sometimes nervous around new people and big crowds. So instead of apologizing for my sons’ I started being their advocate and saying, “We’re just going to stand back here for a little while. It sometime takes him some time to get used to new people and situations.” By doing this, it helped my sons feel a little more empowered (rather than shamed for having normal feelings) which actually helped them be a little less anxious around strangers.

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About our team:

Marsha Greenberg M.S., M.S. W

Marsha is a therapist in New York City. She is the author of the newly released book, Raising Your Toddler, by Globe Pequot Press. She has masters degrees in Child and Family Development and Social Work from the University of Michigan. As the Director of the Health Systems Child Care Program for over 14 years, she was responsible for over 250 children between the ages of 6 weeks and 6 years of age. Marsha teaches in the Early Childhood Special Education department at NYU and has a private psychotherapy practice in NYC. Marsha is the mother of three grown sons and has three grandsons (aged 4 and 18 months and 4 months) with a new grandchild on the way.

Leslie Blaustein

Leslie is a tutor focusing on helping children develop a love for learning. She offers Tutoring/Remediation/ ERB Prep – for all academic subjects. Leslie brings a creative approach to reading, math, and writing! She has a masters in Early Childhood Education; Public and Private school experience; Children Preschool through Grade Six. Leslie is also a mom to Josh, 3 1/2.

Heather Ouida

Heather co-owns Mommybites with business partner Laura Deutsch. She is responsible for managing, growing and overseeing Mommybites nationally as well their flagship city of Manhattan. Heather’s favorite parts of her job include hosting “Mommybites Live” an educational talk show with parenting luminaries, writing her blog which varies between sappy, educational and downright snarky, interviewing parenting experts for Mommybites’ regular teleclass series and facilitating some of the Manhattan working moms support groups. Prior to co-founding Mommybites, Heather was a learning specialist where she taught in London for many years as well as at The Dalton School in Manhattan. Heather holds a BA in psychology from Hobart and William Smith Colleges, an MA in child development form Tufts University and acquired her learning specialist degree form York University in England. Heather currently resides in Manhattan her husband, two boys, two fish and pet turtle. Heather’s hobbies include, hot yoga, Nutella eating, writing, Bravo watching, reading and sharing inappropriate jokes with girl friends. To learn more about Heather’s mission to support follow-moms in non-judgmental ways please click here.

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