My kid is mean to me. She yells at me, stomps her feet, even hits me. I know that she is tiny but it’s tough. I want to keep her spirit but not the nasty.
When I hear situations such as this from clients, and even friends, I ask the parents, “Why does your child think that they can treat you this way? How are you green-lighting this behavior for them?” Start there.
Ask yourself why your child thinks this behavior is an option. Do they have siblings who speak this way? Do you or other grown ups speak this way? Is it from TV shows? Have you just never stopped her or been clear that this is not acceptable? If your answer is in there, that is your starting point.
Whether she is just being herself or has been influenced by others, begin by laying out the expectations and what you will and will not accept: “You can be angry that we cannot go to the park right now but you may not scream at me. You can tell me calmly that you are mad but again, screaming is not an option.”
Not only are you going to be clear about expectations, you will be clear about what will happen if they are not met: “If you continue to scream at me I cannot take you to the museum. I will not take someone who is treating me unkindly to the museum. You can tell me why you are upset, but if you yell or hit the museum day will be canceled.”
And if you say it, DO IT. Your child needs to understand that YES, they can disagree with you, have their own thoughts and opinions, and be mad at you – but yelling, nastiness, and aggression will NOT be tolerated.
Do not respond positively to the yelling, nasty tone, and angry words: “I don’t want THIS. Where are the pancakes? Why did you give me this?!?!” This is no way for a person to talk to anyone.
Keep in mind this is NOT something that they will grow out of – it will just get worse. Deal with it head on: “You do not have to want the toast, nor do you have to eat it, but I do not have time to make pancakes for you. If you ask nicely, I will make them for you tomorrow. Eat or don’t eat, it is your body. I will talk about anything that you want, but I will not talk about this.”
The more that grown ups talk, the more heated a child will become because now a debate has been created, and it’s one that they will want to win.
Stay calm. Stay concise. Stay clear. Unkind and aggressive behavior will not be accepted in your family, and if you see it there will be consequences. Be clear about what those consequences will be. Spirit, spunk, and self-assurance is different from mean, aggressive, and bossy. Keep the spunk, lose the snark, and give a gift that will last a lifetime.
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Brandi Davis, ACC, is a professional Parenting Coach, Parent Educator, and Author of O.K. I’m A Parent Now What? She can also be found on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and be sure to catch her parenting podcasts on iTunes. The goal of Brandi’s practice is to bring respect, calm communication, teamwork, and FUN into the home or classroom. To discover all that Child and Family Coaching can bring to your family stop by www.childandfamilycoaching.com.
The views and opinions expressed on this blog are purely the blog contributor’s. Any product claim, statistic, quote or other representation about a product or service should be verified with the manufacturer or provider. Writers may have conflicts of interest, and their opinions are their own.
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