What advice do you have for grandparents whose grandchildren ask them about family secrets?
For example, our 8-year-old granddaughter, Elaine, asked us, “Who is Trudy’s real mother?” (Trudy is her cousin on the other side of the family). We know Trudy’s biological mother is her young aunt and that Trudy believes an older aunt is her real mother.
We don’t want to lie to her, but telling her the truth could cause all kinds of problems.
There are lies and there are lies. Rare is the parent (or grandparent) who hasn’t fibbed/lied to a child at one time or another. Julie Tilsner, humorist and author of several books dealing with family issues, has written an article, “Why It’s Okay to Lie to Your Child (Sometimes).” She differentiates white lies or little whites (“No, that’s not chocolate on my breath; you are smelling raisins. Want one?”) from social lies (“Just say you like Aunt Carol’s purple hair so you don’t hurt her feelings”) from protective lies (saying “Yes” when a three-year-old child asks her mother if she will live forever).
Ms. Tilsner writes that “When it comes to the big stuff, if you want your kids to be honest with you, you have to be honest with them. At bottom, it’s common sense… don’t lie about anything they’re going to care about ten years from now.”
Although the situation you describe may fall into the category of a protective lie, it is a family secret, and family secrets can be a double-edged sword. Good intentions are often initially behind family secrets, perhaps trying to protect someone from being either physically or emotionally hurt. However, maintaining those secrets often leads to lies, and lies can cause family members who are being deceived to feel powerless, angry, and distrustful – especially younger family members when they sense something is being kept from them. This lack of trust can have longer-term and serious implications, e.g., not being able to have healthy relationships, developing a fear of intimacy, feeling alienated from those who lied, developing learning and coping difficulties.
Families keep secrets for a variety of reasons. Beneath the desire to protect, a sense of shame is often a major reason. The list of categories about which family members may feel shame is extensive: divorce; mental illness; alcoholism or drug addiction; rape; extra-marital affairs; sexual issues and various types of sexually transmitted diseases; adoption; homosexuality; job loss; gambling; suicide; abuse.
To help you prepare for your response to your granddaughter, you may find a book by Evan Imber-Black, Ph.D., helpful. In her book, The Secret Life of Families: Making Decisions About Secrets: When Keeping Secrets Can Harm You, When Keeping Secrets Can Heal You—And How to Know the Difference, Dr. Imber-Black presents an in-depth analysis of the different types of secrets and suggestions for dealing with them, e.g., sweet secrets, toxic secrets, dangerous secrets.
Most family therapists would agree that the first thing you need to do is understand the context of your granddaughter’s question to you about who her cousin Trudy’s real mother is: “Elaine, we need to understand why you’re asking this question about your cousin. Please explain.” Then listen carefully.
If she says that she overheard someone say that Trudy looks more like her aunt than she looks like her mother, Trudy may be innocently curious and merely wants to know if you agree. You can say, “What do you think? Do you see a likeness?” She may say yes or no, and that is all the information she needs. In other words, there is no need to provide information that exceeds what she’s looking for at that time.
However, if Elaine tells you that she overheard someone say that they were wondering when Trudy was going to be told the truth, this is a different situation. You do not want to deceive her in any way, but by the same token, this family secret is not yours to disclose. You can say that you don’t have an answer for her, but you will do what needs to be done to get her an answer. Yes, a bit of deflection, but you are not lying to her.
You would need to let the initiators of the family secret know that Elaine is questioning Trudy’s parentage. Then the interested parties, e.g., Trudy’s mother, her aunt, could discuss what immediate response is appropriate for Elaine, as well as determine who will talk with her. This is a situation where you need to find the balance between circumventing your sharing the content of the family secret with Elaine – because it’s not yours to share – and maintaining an honest relationship with Elaine.
You are correct in wanting to tread carefully as your actions could have serious ramifications. You may find it helpful to consult with a family therapist in formulating your role in this situation. When I contacted Certified Parenting Coach, Brandi Davis, ACC, she responded, “As of now, Trudy’s family has made a choice that must be respected. As Elaine gets older and can handle a family secret, or if the story unfolds to Trudy, more can be told. While we do not like to lie, some omissions can be given to protect Trudy and her family.”
As educator and counselor John Bradshaw, known for developing the PBS series Family Secrets, points out, while there are dysfunctional family secrets, there are also family secrets that help a family function well. The situation you present may fall into this latter category, at least for the present.
Mr. Bradshaw also points out that most family secrets can survive the light of day, but shining a light in this case is not within your purview of responsibility. Even though you may need to use deflection and omission in responding to Elaine right now, you doing so will most likely make sense to Elaine when she is older and more mature and better able to understand your reasons for doing so.
Ask Dr. Gramma Karen is published every other Tuesday.
E-mail queries to [email protected]
Visit www.AskDrGrammaKaren.com to learn about Dr. Gramma Karen’s new book,
Ask Dr. Gramma Karen: Helping Young Parents and Grandparents Deal with Thorny Issues
Like what you read? Sign up for our free newsletter so you can be informed of the latest FREE webinars & teleclasses, parenting articles, & weekly raffles.
The views and opinions expressed on this blog are purely the blog contributor’s. Any product claim, statistic, quote or other representation about a product or service should be verified with the manufacturer or provider. Writers may have conflicts of interest, and their opinions are their own.
Comments are closed.