I am wondering what you have to say about the following situation I was reading about. A mother describes her two children – a daughter, 7, who is polite, well mannered, easy to be around, and her 4-year-old son, who is sweet, but can be a bit of a handful with temper tantrums and defiant behavior.
The grandparents are always up for taking the daughter for various activities, including sleepovers, but they do not want to take the son. When the son was younger, he didn’t really appreciate that his sister was getting to spend all kinds of fun time with the grandparents, but now he is aware he is being left behind and is upset about it.
The mom is thinking of telling the grandparents that they either take both kids together or neither of them.
What do you think?
Of course it is heartbreaking for a parent to watch as one of her children is left behind while her other child goes off with the grandparents for some fun. I can understand that this mom feels this is unfair, and why she is tempted to tell the grandparents that they must take both children. However, I hope she holds off in making this decree.
I suspect a critical conversation about expectations around discipline has not taken place between these parents and the grandparents. For example, some grandparents are comfortable being disciplinarians, while others are not. That is, some grandparents feel that they did their time on the rock raising their own children, and they are not interested in being put in the position of behavioral taskmasters when they are with their grandchildren. Then there are parents who want the grandparents to play a lead role in disciplining their kids, while other parents do not want the grandparents involved.
Problems arise when expectations are not clear about who is playing what role regarding the discipline of the grandchildren. Without these roles and expectations explicitly clarified, misunderstandings and hurt feelings can result.
In one family that successfully tackled this, the young parents were very clear that the parent or grandparent in charge of the grandchild call it out: “I’m on first!” – meaning he/she was assuming total responsibility for the safety and discipline of the child until clearly passing on the care of the child to another parent or grandparent.
It was also understood that while one parent or grandparent was “on first,” no other adult would call into question or challenge what the adult in charge at the moment was doing or saying. This worked well for the young parents and the four grandparents because they talked about it and were clear about the rules of the road. I suggest all families need to have the “who’s on first conversation” about the children/grandchildren’s discipline.
Regarding the specific situation you raise, it seems to me that a couple of things need to be going on in parallel to address this family’s situation. First, the mom needs to be having conversations with her four-year-old about his behavior having consequences: “When you are out with Grandma and Grandpa and you cry and scream when you are frustrated, this tells them that you are not ready to go on outings with them. We all want to help you learn ways to deal with your frustration so that everyone can enjoy doing things together. If you misbehave, then you cannot be part of the fun.”
In addition to these kinds of “if-then” conversations with the four-year-old, I suggest that the mom talk with the grandparents about what they might be willing to try, beginning by empathizing with them: “I know it is asking a lot of you to deal with Bobby when he is being difficult, so I want to make a couple of suggestions in hopes we can work together to help him learn appropriate behavior and to feel part of our extended family. Would you be willing to take both kids to the library to pick out some books with the understanding that if Bobby is being problematic, I will come immediately to get him? I will talk with him beforehand so he knows what is expected and what will happen if he’s not behaving.”
In short, I am suggesting that this mom initiate a conversation with the grandparents about what they are willing and unwilling to do to make it possible for Bobby to spend time with them. They may say that, at least for now, they want the mom to come along and be available to mete out any discipline Bobby might require. Fine. That’s a start and far better than totally excluding the boy.
In closing, I want to suggest another game plan that works for many families. For grandparents who have more than one grandchild in the same family, the idea of “I’m an only child” is to plan something special to do with each grandchild, without his/her siblings. It can be any amount of time, just the grandparents and one grandchild. The other siblings stay with their parents or other grandparents. Having this “only child time” is hyped as something special.
Using this approach, the grandparents might be open to planning something alone with the four-year-old, such as going to the playground. The boy would be participating in an “I’m an only child” activity that is geared to his interests and attention span. This could reduce his feeling excluded when his older sister gets her turn to be an only child.
All these ideas are offered as ways for the mom to avoid giving the grandparents the “take both grandchildren or you get neither” ultimatum. The problem with ultimatums is that they are a power play, and in this situation, if the grandparents do not accept the conditions of the ultimatum, family relationships could sour, with both the grandchildren and grandparents paying the highest price by not being able to spend time with each other.
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