Establishing Limits: The Great Bedtime Debate

My youngest daughter was always the world champion of delaying bedtime. She would beg me to read “just one more book” until I was so tired, I ended up falling asleep in bed with her.

As a parent, I had a very hard time saying no to her requests. For one, I wanted to spend the time with her. I couldn’t stand the thought of her lying in bed awake at night upset that I had left her.

As someone who grew up in a rather turbulent household, I know I often felt starved of attention, and, as a mental health counselor, I know that my childhood greatly affects the way in which I parent my children. However, bedtime was becoming a nightmare for me. There were no amount of books I could read that would have been “enough,” and it took some time, but I finally realized what my daughter really needed was for me to set limits.

I think as parents, it’s easier to see that your children need attention, but I think it’s less obvious how important rules, restrictions and boundaries are. In fact, our children are craving those restrictions just as much as they are craving attention. By prolonging the bedtime routine, I was giving her mixed signals about what I wanted and expected – for her to go to bed and get a good night’s sleep – and not setting the appropriate boundaries in place so that she knew what to expect every night.

My husband and I made the decision that we would read two books at night and after that, we would leave the room and there would be lights out. We calmly and rationally explained this to our daughter before bedtime and conveyed the reasoning to her. We said it was our job as parents to make sure she got a good night’s sleep so that she had the energy for school and to have fun the next day. We made sure to let her know that bedtime was not a punishment. Then, we explained that going forward, she would get two bedtime stories and then we would leave.

Then came the hard part: We had to stick to the plan! I won’t lie and say this worked like clockwork every night. There were several nights when she screamed my name and cried herself to sleep. But in the end, she learned what to expect. It was no longer a surprise to her when one of us turned out the lights and left the room. And, for our part, we started to enjoy our nightly routine instead of dreading the moment we would call it quits and refuse to read anymore. Now, we all know what to expect each night. I don’t feel guilty as a mom, and my daughter is better off with a consistent routine and reasonable expectations.

Having a strong relationship with my children is so important to me. I also know what it’s like to grow up in a chaotic environment with no rules. Children thrive within boundaries that we as parents set for them. Clarity (in outlining the routine), consistency (in enforcing the routine) and courage (to stick to the plan and not let your emotions get in the way) will go a long way.

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Limor Weinstein is a Mental Health Counselor and certified eating disorders specialist.  After working with individuals and groups for the past 10 years, she realized she wanted to focus on prevention of mental health issues within the family. By intervening with children and families early on and helping them find the right services, she hopes to create a stronger foundation that will lead to a happier and healthier future. She offers services in the arenas of family wellness (body image concerns, eating disorders, parent coaching, life coaching and career counseling) as well as nanny management (family needs assessments, nanny selection and vetting, training, monitoring, reporting and nanny counseling).

The views and opinions expressed on this blog are purely the blog contributor’s. Any product claim, statistic, quote or other representation about a product or service should be verified with the manufacturer or provider. Writers may have conflicts of interest, and their opinions are their own.