Bullying – It Happens More Than You Might Think

bully boy
Photo by Lopolo/shutterstock

One in seven children is involved in bully-victim interactions. All children lose when aggression is tolerated: the bullies, the victims and the bystanders.

Some of the more common forms of bullying include:

  • Physical violence and attacks (including biting, pushing and hitting)
  • Verbal taunts, name-calling and put-downs
  • Spreading rumors
  • Exclusion and isolation from the peer group

Typically boys and girls bully very differently. Boys, who make up 70% of bullies, tend to be physically aggressive. Girls are usually more verbal, using teasing and social isolation as their form of attack. Both ways are harmful and have long lasting effects on the victims.

Research has shown that there is not one standard bully profile. Some bullies have high self-esteems and are leaders amongst their peers; while others tend to have difficulty making friends and my be insecure and lacking in confidence. One common finding within the research shows that bullies are often angry individuals who feel justified in dominating others. Many children who are aggressors are also victims at home and/or witness one parent victimizing his/her spouse. It has also been shown that young children learn to be aggressive through watching television shows that display violent and negative behaviour. Therefore, it is important that parents monitor what their children view.

The flip side of the bully profile is the victim profile. Surprisingly, victims are not always that different from their peers. They do not always wear glasses, they are not always overweight and they do not always entice bullying with annoying behaviour. Generally, these children are vulnerable, less confident and have low self-esteems. They also tend to be withdrawn from others and lacking of supportive friends. Due to being bullied, victims often display nervous and anxious behaviours in and out of school. As well, they often experience a drop in grades and reluctance to go to school. Victims do not tend to fight back and can be prone to mood swings and outbursts of anger resulting from suppressed emotions and the inability to express themselves to their attackers. Some of these children may be victims of abuse at home, whereas others may come from homes where their parents foster dependence by being overprotective.

How Can Counseling Help?

The frequency of bullying has increased in recent years and continues to be on the rise. Studies show that bullying usually takes place at school and is directly correlated with the violence we see in our communities and society in general. As a result, many schools are adopting a zero tolerance policy toward bullying. Research has shown that interventions by parents, schools and counsellors can help bullies and victims. However, timing is everything; the earlier the intervention is implemented, the more effective it will be. To help deal with bullies many schools have set up anti-bullying programs. Nonetheless, schools can only do so much on their own; they need to work as part of a team with parents and society. Counselling can prove to be helpful on many different levels.

Schools would find it beneficial to have a counsellor visit. Through a workshop, the counsellor can provide the teachers, principal and other core staff members with information to help identify possible bullies and victims, as well as strategies to best deal with them. A counsellor can also assist the school in setting up an anti-bullying program.

Parents who choose to seek counseling for themselves and/or their child may do so whether their child is a bully or a victim. Counsellors can help parents of a bully set up a behavior modification program in the home and they can work with the child to learn more appropriate ways of dealing with anger. Other tips for parents whose child is a bully include:

  • Spend time with your child and set reasonable rules for their activities
  • Teach your child problem solving skills other than using force
  • Increase your supervision of your child’s peers and their activities and whereabouts; do not tolerate bullying in any form

Parents of victims often feel helpless; they want to protect their child, but cannot. These parents can utilize counseling as an outlet for their own feelings while at the same time learning how to provide comfort and support to their children. Victims can gain a lot of confidence through attending counseling; they can learn how to better respond to a bully and how to stand up for themselves without having to fight. Other tips for parents whose child is a victim include:

  • If the bullying continues, go to the school superintendent or to the school board and trustee
  • Insist that the parents of the other child or children involved in the bullying interaction are told about all incidents
  • Show support by believing victims and by reassuring them that they are not at fault

Bullying has become a serious epidemic in our schools and in our communities. However, as people begin to pull together to deal with the situation, bullies and victims will be taught the skills needed to develop into confident, well-adjusted adults.

Susan Lieberman is in private practice in Toronto as a family therapist and public speaker. For more information, helpful tips and printable downloads, go online at www.familysupport.net or call at 416-512-6356.

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3 thoughts on “Bullying – It Happens More Than You Might Think

  1. Reagan – I was so sorry to read your post! How terrible for you growing up and how terrible for your daughter (and you!) now. We did a radio show on this last week and one of the things the expert suggeted was doing “bullying firedrills” at home where you pretend to be the kids teasing your daughter and she practices what should would say (and you help her come up with some ideas too). Shame on the school for not being more helpful. Please email me at [email protected] if you would like me to send you the link of that radio show. Perhaps there is some more advice from the show that could help you.

  2. I was bullied as a kid for being different, because my dad didn’t make as much money as the other dads did, because we lived on the other side of town and because I was chubby until I hit a growth spurt.

    My daughter is in First Grade this year, and I was hoping that the bullying was left behind in Kindergarten… She was bullied on the bus by a much bigger girl that was also in Kindergarten. KINDERGARTEN!!! Can you believe it!?!? It was unreal to me. This other girl used physical force, name calling and even STOLE stuff from my daughter’s backpack. I wrote LOTS of notes to BOTH teachers (the school transfers children to different classrooms depending on the amount of teaching they need during the first few weeks of Kindergarten) before the principal was finally brought in. Since the other girl was no longer in my daughter’s class, I elected to start driving her to school… Problem solved… Except where we live, it’s an apartment complex and the bully lives on the same property as we do. I just don’t let my daughter go outside without my husband or myself so I don’t have to worry about any issues at home either.

    I thought all my issues with this other girl were left behind in Kindergarten until the open house for First Grade happened… The teacher had little stars taped to the classroom door to let parents know which classroom their child was going to be placed in. My heart practically dropped out of my chest. The bully was in my daughter’s class… AGAIN! At least this year the bullying isn’t as consistent or wasn’t until my car needed some repairs and has been inoperable for the past couple months, so my daughter is now having to take the bus.

    And now, she doesn’t just have 1 bully, she has at LEAST 2 or 3: 2 boys and the girl. One of the boys is in her class, and I’m pretty sure that he likes my daughter, but he has punched my daughter in the face and the neck within the past 3 weeks. He actually gave her a black eye! Supposedly he didn’t mean to punch her, he was trying to hit a different GIRL, the teacher and the principal are “dealing with it”. The girl that’s in her class moved away from my daughter’s table due to their problems, but I had told the teacher about it at the beginning of school at the Open House, which makes me think that she either, A, didn’t pay attention to me or B, didn’t take me seriously. The other little boy is in Kindergarten, he’s 6 years old and he has called my daughter names and made fun of her ever since I let her get some semi-permanent purple highlights added to her hair during our “Mother/Daughter Trip to the Hair Stylist Day”. My daughter was SO excited about her hair and this boy calling her names and referencing her hair style with derogatory comments.

    As far as it was mentioned above, my daughter is popular at school, almost everyone knows her, even the kids in the older classes, when we picked her up from school, we were there for an extra 15-20 minutes after her class was released for her to say good-bye to all her friends. I am deeply saddened that this is happening to my daughter after it happened to myself. I also, am quite shocked that our school district hasn’t implemented the “zero tolerance” especially since it is quite large. If this continues I will most definitely be taking this up with the school board.

  3. Bullying has always been around, so I think it is great that more attention if being paid to this problem and the long lasting effects it has on the bully and the bullied. Sometimes it is hard to understand how complicated relationships can be for kids and that they are not cure to each other.

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