Here is a question for you about what seems to be little, maybe no, discipline. I see my daughter-in-law succumbing to the tantrum and power plays of her aggressive 5-year-old, Donna, and her sweet 11-year-old, Carol. Most times my DIL’s succumbing is at the sacrifice of what she, or others, want to see happen. There are no time-outs, no spankings (whether one believes in them or not), no privileges taken away.
Case in point: At the store, my DIL tells her 5-year-old that she can have a toy for $10 or less. Donna wants a doll that will exceed the $10 because she wants an extra outfit to change her into. There is much pouting, crying, and screaming. My DIL says, “Well, would you like to use your tooth fairy money?” So Donna wins.
Another example: My husband has blocked out time to take Donna and Carol to the Children’s Museum, which they love. Carol, who has a cast on her ankle, states she’ll be bored and doesn’t want to go. Many tears. Donna wants to go but throws a fit because her mother says that she will not be going with her. So, the trip gets cancelled.
At this point, my husband has decided he is not taking them; I think this is a GREAT decision as it does not allow or promote the girl’s bad behavior. I will add, however, that before my DIL even knew my husband was backing out due to the girls’ behavior, she had already given in and said she was going to spend the day with the girls. Her pronouncement totally changed the plans she and I had.
In fairness, I think my DIL is exhausted from work and a failing marriage, but from day one I have seen her give in to the girls; it is nothing new. Her mother was/is the same — always giving in — and my DIL therefore has learned from observing. It should be noted that my DIL has her masters in psychology and is a practicing therapist working with teens. She feels like she should know all of this and is challenged by it. She does not see some quite obvious solutions, nor has she asked.
Do I ask if she’d be open to my thoughts? Or just let it sit?
I think that at this point in time – with all the stress, strife and uncertainty in your daughter-in-law’s household – you might want to focus on just two main areas.
Ask the question: “What can I/we do to help?”
Alas, based on this example, and others you gave, but are not included here, your daughter-in-law has taught your granddaughters that if they scream and throw tantrums, chances are she will, to use your word, succumb, and give them what they want. Both girls are a bit old for this type of behavior, but because it works with their mom, it is their basic modus operandi during times of conflict with her. (When your DIL is around, she is in charge of her girls, but when she is not around, you and/or your husband are in charge.)
To start, I offer what I hope your DIL will accept as a simple, non-threatening, non-judgmental approach on your part. That is, simply ask her, “What can I/we do to help?” And then just listen to her, with as much patience as you can muster, in light of your own frustration with her and her ways of disciplining your granddaughters that runs so counter to how you and your husband would handle matters. Listen without adding your own commentary, and make it clear that you see your job at that time as doing whatever she needs you to do.
If you get tired of saying, “What can we do to help?” you can mix it up a bit by saying, “Would it be helpful if . . . ” and make only suggestions that are obvious to her that you’re on her team. “Would it be helpful if we look after the girls to give you some time to take a run?”
In short, even though you may want to say and do otherwise, I strongly urge you to make these your mantras: “What can we do to help?” or “Would it be helpful if . . . ”
Establish a basic ground rule about who’s in charge
During a quiet and calm time, I suggest you talk with your DIL to make sure there is an understanding between the three of you that when you and/or your husband have the girls in your charge – that although you will try follow her requests about discipline and other matters – you and your husband need to know that she trusts your judgment to make your own decisions, always with doing what’s best for the girls.
In other words, you need to know that she is comfortable with and accepting of when you and your husband say to her girls, “When you are in our home and/or when we are responsible for you, you need to follow Grandma and Grandpa’s rules. They may not always be what you do in other situations, but when we’re in charge, you are expected to follow our rules.” This basic ground rule needs to be established by their mother in front of you and the girls.
In this way, you are not calling out what you see as shortcomings and mistakes in how your DIL handles matters requiring discipline. Rather, you are merely being clear about how things are going to go when you’re in charge. This will be nothing new for your granddaughters as they already follow different rules with different people in their lives, e.g., teachers, coaches, their friends’ parents. Yes, they know all about “when in Rome . . . ” It’s just that their “Rome home” is frustrating for you!
I share the above two ideas in hopes they help smooth things out a bit for all of you. Just managing these two suggestions can be a challenge, especially since it sounds like you and your husband are very experienced, sure-footed, and aligned regarding your grandparenting and discipline practices. It sounds like things in your DIL’s life are spiraling out of control. I suspect she could benefit from your steadfastness and assurances that you will continue to be anchors for her and your granddaughters.
By the by, you didn’t ask directly, but my position on spanking as a disciplinary tool is very straightforward: never spank a child.
Update: Six Weeks Later
Regarding my son and daughter-in-law, I continue to pray. I pray for a kind heart for them and I pray that I’ll stand down and allow them to work through things the best way they can. Marriage isn’t always a rose garden. My son claims he is trying, and I think my DIL feels like she is, too, but boy, it sure is easy to look at a situation and to judge when it’s not one’s own situation. It has me asking myself what I don’t see about myself, or don’t see clearly, about situations in my life. Good to have that trusted group of advisors and “tribesmen” to get a check from.
Ask Dr. Gramma Karen is published every other Tuesday.
E-mail queries to Karen@mommybites.com
Karen L. Rancourt‘s most recent book is,
Ask Dr. Gramma Karen: Helping Young Parents and Grandparents Deal with Thorny Issues.
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