Dear Dr. Gramma Karen,
My 33-year-old-daughter Christine just gave birth to her second child. Christine, her husband Ned, and their first child, four-year-old David, live in one state; I live in another state over a thousand miles away, with my husband, who is not Christine’s biological father.
We have visited with David for only a couple of hours on three occasions while we were on vacation. The last visit was in 2016. While in a park watching David play, I asked my son-in-law if it would be possible for them to drive closer to where we were staying instead of having us doing all the driving to see them (both my husband and I have limiting medical conditions). My son-in-law stated, “Nope, not gonna happen.”
Some background: In December 2016, my daughter walked away from her husband and son and had an affair. She returned to her husband and learned she was pregnant. They did paternity testing to learn if it was Ned’s; it was and they learned it would be a girl. They stayed together.
Then Ned calls me up one day and demands my husband take a lie detector test, or we’ll never be allowed around our grandchildren. My daughter told Ned that my husband (her stepfather) touched her inappropriately when she was 14. My husband did no such thing and I have many facts that prove it. Most importantly, why did she not say anything when it supposedly happened? Why did she not tell her biological father, who would’ve immediately called the police? Why did she not call the police herself?
After this, my daughter and I did not speak for a couple months. When we did start communicating again, but when I would call or Skype to talk to David, she would not let me talk to him. She would tell him to say into the phone, “Hi, Grandma,” which he would do, then run off.
They recently moved into a new house and when I then asked for their new address, my daughter told me I would have to get it from her husband and that I owed him an apology. I said, “For what? Not allowing him to bully and manipulate me?” I told her she needed to take the lie detector test and she became enraged and accused me of calling her liar. We have not spoken since.
In addition to my being hurt by this horrific accusation as well, so is my husband, yet he chooses to forgive her. I’m struggling to do so. I feel that all I can do right now is to let go of her and my grandbabies. I long to hold them in my arms!
Is there any repair to this relationship? Can you offer any advice as to what I should do?
Dr. Gramma Karen’s Response
It is with a heavy heart that I begin my response: Unless the conditions which your daughter and her husband have put in place change, I am sorry to say that I am not optimistic that a reconciliation is currently likely that will allow you to see your grandchildren. I say this because of the pivotal role memories play in your situation.
Undisclosed versus recovered versus pseudo memories
Over time memories can be:
- Accurately remembered.
- Subconsciously reframed in more favorable or unfavorable contexts.
- Intentionally or unintentionally distorted.
- Intentionally or unintentionally concocted.
Experts agree that undisclosed, recovered, and pseudo memories can be difficult, if not impossible, to prove or refute. What they do agree is that the person with the memories typically accepts them as real.
Your daughter has made serious accusations of childhood abuses, and as long as she affirms their veracity, you and your husband’s options are limited. When you refute your daughter’s accusations, the relationship is at an impasse, stuck in a loop of “Yes, I was abused” and “No, you were not abused.”
As it stands right now, there will be no further communication until you and your husband meet your daughter’s requirement of acknowledging that she was abused.
The request from Ned that your husband take a lie detector test is very confusing for a couple of reasons. Is Ned wanting a lie detector test to affirm his belief in your husband’s guilt, or does he have some doubts and is looking for proof? Either way proof will prove illusive. There are good reasons why lie detector tests are not accepted in a court of law as incontrovertible proof: their validity and reliability do not meet statistical requirements.
Read Next | Ask Dr. Gramma Karen: Update on Broken Family Relationships(Opens in a new browser tab)
Suggested Resources for Dealing With Your Estrangement
This standoff with your daughter and her husband will continue as long as they want it to continue: laws typically favor parents over grandparents in these types of situations. (The Grandparents.com website will list grandparents’ rights, state by state.)
To help you deal with your estrangement from your grandchildren, author, and columnist Susan Adcox has compiled an excellent list of resources you may find helpful. For example, Alienated Grandparents Anonymous, an organization that is active in 50 states and 12 countries, provides help and relief for grandparents in your situation. In addition, Ms. Adcox discusses the emotional aspects of grandparent alienation in her article, “How to Cope With Losing Contact With Children: What You May Be Feeling, and What You May Be Able to do.”
Donne Davis, a blogger who focuses on grandparents, posted a column that includes some additional resources that you may find beneficial (“Heartbroken Grandma Denied Access to Grandson by Daughter”).
A final resource I can suggest is Dr. Joshua Coleman’s Webinar Series in which he addresses a host of topics, including: “Should I Keep Trying or Just Give Up?” and “How Do I Cope With the Pain of Estrangement?”
Reason For Hope
As I stated above, only your daughter and son-in-law can grant you access to your grandchildren under the specific set of circumstances you describe. Perhaps they will have a change of heart and allow you to see your grandchildren in the near future.
There is another possibility. Although data are sparse on the chances of your grandchildren reaching out to you when they are legal adults, there is anecdotal evidence that it does happen. My wish for you is that you are among the fortunate estranged grandparents who one day get a phone call or a text message from a grandchild expressing a desire to connect.
Ask Dr. Gramma Karen is published every other Tuesday.
E-mail queries to Karen@mommybites.com.
Karen L. Rancourt’s most recent book is,
Ask Dr. Gramma Karen, Volume II: Savvy Advice to Soothe Parent-Grandparent Conflicts.
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