I’m a huge proponent of conscious parenting, the idea that you are present in the moment and look at each situation with a deep awareness of your own perspective and a thorough understanding of your own thoughts. One of my favorite authors and psychologists, Dr. Siegel, dives deep into this topic in his brilliant book The Whole Brain Child, which is a great read for parents. Today, though, I’d like to share with you a few tricks to help you become a more conscious, aware, parent in your daily life.
I work a lot with nannies and parents job searching for nannies, and the one thing I always recommend is that both the nanny and parent take a personality test. This seems extreme to some, but knowing how you think and approach situations will help guide you to a deeper understanding of your actions. It’s good to know what your strengths are, as well as your partner’s, in terms of communication, empathy, responsibility, etc. It’s also important to examine the way in which you were raised and be sure to look at situations with your individual cultural differences in mind.
Personality tests are great, but here’s an action step you can start working on today! A quick trick that I like to employ when dealing with any conflict with my children is best summed up with this acronym for AFTER.
A-Aware: that you may be reacting to what is going on internally for you and not responding to what is actually happening
F-Focus: on what is happening in the moment
T-Time: Take time to count at least until 5 so you can calm down
E- Empathy: Forgive yourself for what you have done in the past and have empathy for yourself
R- Re-enter: the interaction with a new insight and respond appropriately and with empathy
Let’s run through an example. You get home from work and your two kids are screaming at each other. The easy thing to do might be to scream at them to stop, send them to their rooms or threaten some type of punishment. Maybe you have had a stressful day. Maybe they have been fighting constantly. Perhaps you used to fight with your siblings and you always ended up working it out on your own and you’d like to see your kids do the same.
Now, if you were to approach this conflict from a conscious parenting perspective, with the AFTER acronym in mind, it would look something more like this:
First, your reaction would be to check your emotions at the door. Try to remind yourself that your kids have no idea what happened at work and they are not reacting to any internal stress you may be feeling.
Next, take a second to examine what is really happening. Are your kids fighting over something in particular? Is one of them actually getting hurt? Or, are they having a heated discussion that they are actually working out between themselves?
Try to get a sense of what the conflict really is before you react with anger. This is where counting to five is a great tool. You never want – if you can help it – your first words when you see yours kids at the end of the day to be screaming. Can you take time to calm your tone? Sometimes, your children really will be fighting over something trivial. Often, you will need to break it up and stop it. However, I often see parents respond out of guilt rather than the actual situation.
Do you feel bad because you weren’t home when the conflict started? This is where you need to forgive yourself for not being able to mediate every situation. Don’t handle the situation with a guilty conscious. Handle it as a parent whose job it is to make sure your kids are safe, above all else. This is when you actually re-enter the situation and resume with an appropriate response.
That sounds like it could all take a really long time and who knows what will have happened in the fight between your children, but if you really think about it, all of those steps can be done in a matter of seconds. Try it next time you want to scream – just think, OK, but… AFTER.
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Limor Weinstein is a Mental Health Counselor and certified eating disorders specialist. After working with individuals and groups for the past 10 years, she realized she wanted to focus on prevention of mental health issues within the family. By intervening with children and families early on and helping them find the right services, she hopes to create a stronger foundation that will lead to a happier and healthier future. She offers services in the arenas of family wellness (body image concerns, eating disorders, parent coaching, life coaching and career counseling) as well as nanny management (family needs assessments, nanny selection and vetting, training, monitoring, reporting and nanny counseling).
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