Bridging the Divide Between Mom & Nanny

But here you are, not a week later, hovering just outside the front door with a gob of anxiety eating at your insides, wondering how on earth you’re going to actually leave this woman in charge???

Your thoughts are a jumble:  “How did this go south so quick?  Can she really be so totally useless?  She seemed amazing – she aced the interview, she had excellent references, great work experience, and she totally won over my kids in her first in-home visit (surely no easy feat)… so why do I feel like this is all a terrible, horrible, very bad mistake?”

Hmmm…  looks like you and your nanny have a geography problem.

“Geography?!?  What does geography have to do with my nanny issues??” you ask.  Well, I think it has EVERYTHING to do with it.

Allow me to explain.  Imagine for a moment that you’ve lived your whole life in the same small town (or big city – your choice).  You are totally “local” – you speak the lingo and know all the great places to eat and shop – and you happily go about your business completely in sync with the people around you.  Ok, now imagine that this morning you woke up to find yourself transported to a completely new town.  You have no clue what to do or where to go – and you can’t even ask for help because you can’t make out what people are saying.   Even the simplest tasks seem impossible.  Everyone else is bustling about, not really concerned with your predicament – people here have lives to lead, jobs to do!  And whenever you attempt to muddle through or you appear confused, you’re met with exasperated sighs and irritated glares.   Imagine how you might feel about this new place and the people in it…

A nanny starting with a new family might feel very much like she has just arrived in a new “town”.  Suddenly she is working, and oftentimes living, in a new home with a family that she knows very little about.  She doesn’t know the ins and outs, the routines or the family dynamic – simply put, she doesn’t know how to speak the “language”.   And yet she is often expected to just pick up and start handling the children, the routine, and the chores as if she’s been doing it all along.

A new nanny may come from any number of backgrounds or experiences – she may be a local student working towards a career in childcare, or she may be a foreign worker recently arrived from another country.  Wherever it was that she came from, the destination is the same – a new job working in a new home, caring for new kids.  And with her she brings her own unique set of expectations already shaped by her own family, her culture and her previous work experience.  She comes to you speaking her own “language”.

As a new employer, the most important thing that you can do to ensure an easy transition is to act as a family interpreter – you need to teach your new nanny the “language” of your home.

Try to reserve at least a few days to be her exclusive “tour guide”.  On her very first day, take her on a detailed tour of your home.  Show her where everything is and familiarize her with her new surroundings.  Describe in detail a typical day with your kids and be very specific about what role you expect her to play: Does she dress the children?  Prepare meals?  Who packs lunches?  Is she responsible to take the children to and from school or do you do it?  What about housework?  Communicating these details clearly will ensure that she understands what you expect of her.

Provide your nanny with a written “guidebook” containing summaries of your family’s schedule, routines, and preferences.  Make sure she has appropriate contact information.  Does she know what to do in an emergency? Does she have allergy information?  Jot down where she can find favorite snacks or treasured loveys in the event of a potential meltdown. Give her a neighborhood map and a list of age-appropriate activities that she can take the children to during the day.  Leave a list of play-date contacts.  Any information that you can provide to help her adjust to life in your “town” will go a long way towards making her feel more capable in her new job.

In the meantime, be patient.  And if you do discover that your nanny is doing something that you don’t like – don’t come out swinging.  Your ultimate goal is to create harmony, and approaching the missteps that will inevitably happen by attacking her will only put her on the defensive. If you need to vent about something she did, then vent to your partner, your best friend or your shrink – don’t vent to your nanny.  Approach the issue privately and calmly.  Explain the problem and work together to find a solution.  Your nanny is going to be in charge of the health, safety and wellbeing of your children, so it’s in everyone’s best interest to facilitate mutually respectful dialogue.

It’s going to take time, patience, and more than a little bit of effort – but eventually your nanny will be a fully integrated citizen of your “town”.  And taking the time to be a helpful “interpreter” throughout the transition period will be the key ingredient to ensuring a happy and healthy relationship with your new nanny.

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