Living Vicariously Through Your Children?

By: Stefanie Weiss, mental health consultant & owner of Ask Stefanie

Parents, do you remember what it felt like as a kid when you did not make the cheerleading squad, basketball team, or weren’t invited to the cool party? Did you go through a “gawky stage” in middle school when none of the clothing in your closet was “right”?

Fast-forward 20 years later and you are watching your own children grow up before your eyes as they are going through similar difficult situations. How many times have you vowed to do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to make sure your child does not go through what you did as a kid? You want to do WHATEVER it takes to make your child cool, popular, and even help them make the team that you always dreamed of.

The lengths that parents go through to ensure that their children do not have to struggle like they did can be a bit drastic at times. Moms are dressing their girls in outfits that they wish they could have worn back in the day (and wish they could wear now). Parents have their boys in five different sports with private coaches hoping that they make a sports team that their child isn’t even sure that they like. Moms and dads are busy setting up play dates with kids that they want their children to be friends with. They are trying to socially advance them into groups of kids that their children aren’t even comfortable with. Are these tactics going to succeed in making your child happier than you were when you were their age? Here is some advice to all those parents who want to make those tough moments for their kids disappear:

• Trying to turn your child into someone who they are not will only make them MORE insecure. This is their life NOT yours. Don’t turn your insecurities into your children’s.
• What you dress your child in does NOT define them. Children should be themselves…not who you wish them to be!
• All children have something that makes them extra special. Embrace your child’s strengths. Don’t over focus on their weaknesses.
• Find activities that your child is good at and truly enjoys. This is what will make them feel good about themselves.
• Did you know that High School athletes who reach pro sports are almost as rare as lottery winners? If your child doesn’t make the school team, turn that disappointment into a valuable life lesson. It’s these moments that will make your child stronger one day.
• It is more valuable for your child to be proud of THEMSELF for their achievements, than to be concerned that you are proud of them.
• Make sure that your child wakes up and goes to sleep each day feeling loved, supported, and cared for by their family. This is what they will cherish most.
• The most important quality a child can possess is CONFIDENCE! Believe in them and they will believe in themselves!

As parents, we want to shield our children from all the heartache and difficulty that comes with growing up. It would be easier on us if our kids could skip over all of the disappointments that we went through during our own childhood. Fortunately, it is these very moments in life that make us stronger and more confident. As parents, we need to be there for our children during every bump along the windy road into adulthood. Kids need to go through some unhappiness and discomfort in order to learn how to rise above those situations, grit their teeth, smile, and fight through the toughest days of growing up. These are the kids who will be most successful one day!