3 Tips for Making Mom Friends
By Kayla Mae Maloney
I stood on the corner of 23rd St. and Madison Ave on a frigid NYC morning, bundled up in my puffy winter coat, my 6-month-old cocooned in his stroller. I was waiting for the moms who had answered my Meetup invite. My sanity was waning as I had spent the first six months of motherhood with no local mom friends. I snapped a selfie and sent it to my friend in California: “I paid $20 to download an app in an attempt to make mom friends. I’m literally buying friends.”
No one showed.
When I moved to the ‘burbs of New Jersey a few months later, my luck changed because I began to heed the advice of some of my life-long friends—and if you too are a new mom trying to make mom friends, keep reading. The first piece of advice? “You need to step out of your comfort zone,” they said.
Step out of Your Comfort Zone
At the park in my new neighborhood I spotted a woman with a son around my son’s age. This woman was smiling, dressed stylishly, and after overhearing her conversation I could tell she had a funny, self-deprecating sense of humor. My kind of gal. I stepped out of my comfort zone and asked her how old her son was. We chatted for a bit and I learned that she lived down the street from me, had recently moved from Manhattan, and like me, loved Zara for baby boy clothes. I nearly blurted out my request to exchange phone numbers. We became fast friends and it was utterly refreshing to have someone to discuss the minutiae of all things baby. We spoke in the same lingo new moms acquire incorporating phrases like “sleep cycles” and “wake windows” into our everyday conversations.
Making one mom friend gave me confidence to step out of my comfort zone again. Pretty soon I had so many wonderful gal pals with babies the same age as mine. Sure, we talked naps, teething, even labor, but eventually we became more than just mom friends—we developed real friendships. We planned nights out where we laughed until our sides hurt, soaking up some well-deserved adult time. I had come a long way from that moment on the corner in NYC. And I cherished these new friends of mine.
Be Open-Minded
I was sad to say goodbye to this group of women when it came time for my family to move to Seattle, a place where we knew absolutely no one. But I had done this once before and had some newfound confidence. Unfortunately, I soon learned Seattle was a different ballgame. I found it harder to strike up conversations, and it seemed awkward to ask a woman for her number. At playgrounds I’d look around and feel like a fish out of water, but I pushed myself to be open-minded. I began attending a local story time with my daughter and eventually a mom caught my eye. Her daughter was around my daughter’s age and she was in charge of a mom’s group that I belonged to. Eventually, we started to plan get-togethers for our girls.
We were very different and at times I felt so far from my group in New Jersey, but one day we planned a hike playdate and when we arrived at the trail it was pouring rain. Typical Pacific Northwest. We pulled up next to each other in the parking lot and I was prepared to have the let’s-try-again-next-week conversation, but instead my new friend said, “Bring a raincoat?” I reminded myself to be open-minded and you know what? Our girls loved trampling around in the rain! It was not something my former self would have ever done, and while I wasn’t dying to hike in the rain again, it did make for a good memory. And, most importantly, I realized how much I enjoyed my new friend despite how different we were.
Don’t Forget to Follow Up
Eventually our family was set for another cross-country move, this time to Austin. Shortly before I left Seattle another mom I knew told me she had heard it was easy to make friends in Austin. “Not like here,” she said. My jaw dropped—she was articulating exactly how I’d felt during my time here. I had no idea other moms felt the same way and, in fact, I had figured friend groups were forming all around me while I was being left on the sideline. The truth was, we all were. It had never occurred to me that other moms out there were looking for mom friends and struggling exactly like I had. My move to Austin would soon remind me what I should have done more during my time in Seattle.
During our first few weeks in our new city, I noticed my son and another boy playing together at the park. I talked to his mom and we quickly realized we had much in common. She effortlessly suggested we share numbers and I was so excited to see how quickly this happened—just like my Seattle friend had said it would. We left the park and the very next day she texted me asking to meet for coffee. A lightbulb went off in my head; she had followed up! I appreciated her effort so much, and it made me realize how I rarely I did that in the past. I made a promise to always follow up when I met someone I wanted to get to know. Only a few months into our new life in Austin and I was already happily making mom friends. Asking to exchange numbers and following up became easy (and exciting!) after some practice.
We All Want the Same Thing
Learning how to make mom friends proved to be incredibly important for my mental health—especially during the last two years of craziness. Having another mom to chat, vent, and laugh with makes motherhood so much more enjoyable. With a little courage and effort I feel lucky enough to have finally built up my village—without buying a single friend.
Kayla Mae Maloney is an actor and writer who lives in Austin with her husband and 2, soon to be 3, children.
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