I am a first-time expectant mom and I can already anticipate very, very involved grandmothers, both of whom live nearby, both of whom have strong opinions about childrearing. In an earlier column, you talked about setting grandparental expectations and addressing their assumptions. I’d love to set some boundaries for my baby’s grandmothers, but I am not sure how to do this.
You’ve hit on a real phenomenon. If you Google “helicopter parents” (defined as parents who hover over their children and are overly involved in their lives) you’ll get 248,000 results. Google “helicopter grandparents” and you’ll get 2,130,000 results, about a one-to-nine ratio. It seems there’s a whole lot going on with helicopter grandparenting!
With their close proximity and strong opinions about how you should raise your child, it is to everyone’s benefit if you set some basic ground rules for your mom and mother-in-law (MIL) before the baby comes. To help both expectant/new/young parents and the grandparents have a comfortable and productive discussion about expectations and boundaries, I’ve developed two sets of guidelines (do’s and don’ts) – one set for expectant/new/young moms, and one for their moms and MILs, that is, the grandmothers.
These guidelines are meant to be suggestions to help you articulate your expectations and to provide a format for sharing them. You may agree with some of the guidelines, disagree with others, and you may want to modify or add to them. I urge you to personalize them so they can help you set boundaries, manage expectations and have relaxed relationships between your immediate family and the grandmothers.
This week I present guidelines for grandmothers. Next week I present guidelines for expectant/new/young moms, as well as instructions for printing out both sets of guidelines. Then everyone can have a copy with an extra copy to post on the fridge!
Guidelines (Do’s and Don’ts) for Grandmothers
- Remember that you are a grandparent, not the parent. This means you must do a lot of tongue biting and allow your daughter / daughter-in-law to set the boundaries and rules for your interactions with your grandchildren. If you want to have ongoing and welcomed access to your grandchildren, zip it, zip it, zip it!
- Do not try to impose your values or parenting preferences on your daughter / daughter-in-law. Ask your daughter / daughter-in-law to tell you about any books she’d like you to read or videos to watch, that can help you better understand how she’s trying to raise her children. Your job is to understand her intended parenting, not try to change it.
- Pay special attention to your daughter / daughter-in-law’s verbal and non-verbal cues. If you sense your behavior is causing her stress or discomfort, re-read guideline #1. Also, sincere apology can go a long way.
- If you feel your daughter / daughter-in-law prefers to spend more time with the other set of grandparents, you may want to ask if there are any specific things you could be doing to be a better grandparent. If you ask, your job is to listen, not try to defend or explain yourself.
- Be real clear on your daughter’s / daughter-in-law’s preferences about visiting: should you call first or is showing up unannounced permissible.
- If you live within commuting distance and it is possible, talk with your daughter / daughter-in-law about setting aside regular time(s) each week to come into her home. You should also discuss how best to use this dedicated time. Knowing she has a free block of time to look forward to every week can make your daughter / daughter-in-law feel like she’s won the lottery!
- If your daughter / daughter-in-law has a nanny or babysitter, discuss with her your role when you’re alone with the nanny or babysitter.
- When you look around your daughter / daughter-in-law’s house and see some jobs that might be done, ask if it would be helpful if you either did them yourself or if you were to hire someone to do them. Over time you will work out with your daughter / daughter-in-law what things you can just automatically do without causing an issue.
- Check with your daughter / daughter-in-law before making any purchases of equipment (car seats, cribs, pack ‘n plays, strollers) to keep in your car or house or to be given as gifts.
- Check with your daughter / daughter-in-law on the appropriateness and timing of all gifts or money.
- Do not ask your grandchild to be complicit in any secrets. You can plan a surprise with your grandchild but never ask him/her to “not tell your parents.”
- Support your grown children when they want to carve out their own family traditions (e.g., holidays, birthdays) instead of trying to get them to continue with the traditions you’ve established.
- Say only positive things about your grandchildren’s parents and the same goes for any other (step) grandparents in the family.
- Do not play favorites amongst your grandchildren; do not make comparisons.
- If you are a long-distance grandmother, work closely with your daughter / daughter-in-law to make this work for everyone.
- Take advantage of the Internet, especially with older grandchildren: e.g., E-mail, Skype, share photos and sites with information of places to visit together, share favorite music.
- Keep notes of what you learn from your grandchild(ren) in phone calls / Skyping / visits, so you can reference this information in future interactions, e.g., doll’s names, their friends’ names, games they like, movies they want to see. This helps the long-distance bonding and is proof positive to your grandchildren that you are listening to them and you are interested in their lives.
- Plan things together to do the next time you’ll be together.
- Tell your grandchildren about your hobbies, and when possible, share your hobbies, and teach them, e.g., chess, biking, knitting, baking, sailing.
- When in doubt, zip it!
Ask Dr. Gramma Karen is published every Wednesday.
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