Begin by stepping into the mind of your two-year-old. It is wild in there, with so much going on and not nearly enough ways to express it all verbally. Grown ups do not understand what toddlers are so clearly (at least they think) expressing, and this is often the catalyst for your child’s tantrums. You know what I am speaking about, right?
The other piece of the puzzle is that they have not yet learned how to act and react in social situations. We are not born knowing how to wait for our turn or not to shove someone when she has something that we want. Quite the opposite. Do not forget that at the core of it all, we are animals and animals use aggression to get what they want or when they are mad. Your child is going to have to learn how to behave in this society of ours and the education starts with you.
To your children, you are the model of humanity. As I always say, “Be the people that you want your kids to be.” They see how you maneuver through the world. If you wait your turn, say excuse me and please, so will your children. If you yell or grab or are sarcastic, you guessed it, so will your kids.
That being said, here are a few quick hints on how to handle those times when your child’s lack of social intelligence shines through. Always think “Life Lesson” over “Punishment”.
- Repeat, Repeat, Repeat The Rules. If you are going to the playground, explain your expectations. As you walk to the playground, express your expectations. As you arrive at said playground, express your expectations. Whatever your rules are, repeat them over and over and over again. Do not assume your child remembers them even if you just said them yesterday. Toddlers just do not work like that.
- Add The Wanted Behavior When your child hits or kicks or yells, give calm words to use when in a frustrating situation. “Say back up, please,” or “Say excuse me, please,” or “Using that.” The idea is not to focus on simply removing an unwanted behavior, but more importantly, to focus on adding a wanted one. Teach your child how you want her to behave and give her chances to practice.
- Take Action If your child continues the unwanted behavior, action must be taken. Lead your child to a quiet place to sit. Tell your child “You chose to hit, kick, push… someone and that is not safe. You need to take a break from playing until you can be safe. The playground, home, restaurant… is for all of us and until you can use your words (little that they may be) you will not be able to…..” (Insert what they were doing at that moment. Play, sit at the table, watch a movie.) No, your child will not get all of the words, but over time they will understand. By the way, use big words with your child and they will learn big words. Only use small words with your child and they will only learn small words. If he still won’t sit or he throws a big freak out, then it is time to go home. (Sure, you can sit and wait out a mini-mad tantrum. Most parents have been there and who cares if they look?)
- Take Two After just a few minutes 1-3, let your child know that if she hurts someone again that you are going to take her home, remove her from that area, or end the activity that is causing the aggression. The idea is that they understand that their actions have reaction. That their choices lead their day. Make safe and kind choices and the day is more fun. Make unsafe or unkind choices, the fun tends to stop.
This will not be the most enjoyable part of your parenting, but the sooner you start these life lessons, the sooner the unwanted behavior stops. The point is for your child to understand that hurting, bodies OR feelings, is not going to be accepted. If the offense happens again your child cannot be with others because it is not kind or safe to hurt those around us. Your child is a part of something larger then just himself. He is a part of a community. The idea of community and a person’s place in the community is a lesson that takes time to learn. There are folks who, even as adults, still have not fully learned the lesson of community.
LAST THOUGHT:
ONCE YOU SAY IT, DO IT! If you say that your child can’t slide if they do XYZ, or “We will have to go home if you do LMNOP.” STICK WITH IT! DO NOT SAY SOMETHING THAT YOU ARE NOT GOING TO DO. If you are not going to go home from the playground, do not put that out there as a consequence. If you are not going to turn off the TV, do not say that you will. Be calm, be clear, be consistent and you can ride out those Tenacious Twos with ease.
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Brandi Davis, ACC is a certified Parenting Coach, Parent Educator, and Author of O.K. I’m A Parent Now What? She can also be found on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and be sure to catch her parenting podcasts on iTunes. The goal of Brandi’s practice is to bring respect, calm communication, teamwork, and FUN into the home or classroom. To discover all that Child and Family Coaching can bring to your family stop by www.childandfamilycoaching.com
The views and opinions expressed on this blog are purely the blog contributor’s. Any product claim, statistic, quote or other representation about a product or service should be verified with the manufacturer or provider. Writers may have conflicts of interest, and their opinions are their own.