My child yells awful things at me when he is angry. Things like, “I hate you,” “You are the meanest,” “I am moving out.” (Really? You are 3!) What can I do?!
It IS hard to have your kids say awful stuff to and about you, especially when you only have their best interests at heart. They really know just how to get ya, don’t they? HATE? WORST? MEANEST?
Ahhhhhh. Ok, now onto the help. Let’s start by asking some questions…. Why do these words get us? Are we truly hurt? Are we embarrassed? Is our pride bruised? Do we feel a loss of power?
We, us grown ups, tend give words WAAAYYYY too much weight and power. They are just words. Many of them, words that WE use everyday. Try something new. Take the focus off of the words and move them over to the feelings behind them: Why is your child so fired up? How can you help your child express those emotions in a more productive manner?!
Take a second and examine yourself. Do YOU use the words that your child is tossing at you? If so, it is time to put those words away, at least in front of your child. Your kids look to you to discover how to handle situations and if you use strong words when you are angry, so will they.
Next, BREATHE. Then start a conversation, “Wow, you are feeling a lot of stuff. Those words are hurtful and do not tell me what is on your mind. What has you so mad?” You might know why child is angry. Maybe you did not let him go to the park because it was raining or he is annoyed that you wore blue and he likes green. (You know what I am talkin’ about).
But coaching them in expressing their thoughts and feelings in calm and productive ways is the goal here. “I understand that you are bothered and you can tell me how you feel, but if you continue to use unkind words I will have to walk away until you can speak calmly. I do not want my feelings hurt.” You might have to give her the words and tone that you are looking for. Remember, she is in the process of learning how to navigate in the world.
If the angry, unkind words are an ongoing issue, consequences or reactions for actions
are in order. If your child cannot use nice words, then you cannot possibly take him to the
park or museum. You can’t take someone who is not in control of her body or words out
and about. If he continues yelling at you, maybe he cannot express himself because
he is exhausted, so it is time for bed or a nap, or he can miss some of family movie time
because he is unable to use calm and kind words at that moment.
The idea is to get across that feeling are fine, expressing them is also fine, BUT unkind words and screaming are not. If you choose to implement the consequences, it might get loud, but giving your child the skill to express herself in calm and productive ways is a gift that will help her throughout her life.
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Brandi Davis, ACC, is a professional Parenting Coach, Parent Educator, and Author of O.K. I’m A Parent Now What? She can also be found on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and be sure to catch her parenting podcasts on iTunes. The goal of Brandi’s practice is to bring respect, calm communication, teamwork, and FUN into the home or classroom. To discover all that Child and Family Coaching can bring to your family stop by www.childandfamilycoaching.com.
The views and opinions expressed on this blog are purely the blog contributor’s. Any product claim, statistic, quote or other representation about a product or service should be verified with the manufacturer or provider. Writers may have conflicts of interest, and their opinions are their own.