A few months ago my granddaughter Ruth, with whom I am very close, asked me if I would promise not to tell anyone if she told me something. I agreed. She told me that she is dating Kip, a young man she met at college. The problem is that he is not of our religion or ethnic background. Ruth said her mom (my daughter Sandra) and dad would disown her if they knew. I am sorry to say that I think Ruth is right.
My late husband and I were more secular than religious and that is how we raised Sandra. However, Sandra met and married a very religious man from a very religious family, and although they tried to raise Ruth to be observant and she has always been respectful of her parents’ ways, she never seemed committed the way they are.
I am heartsick over this situation. I fear Sandra will never forgive me for knowing about Ruth and Kip dating and not telling her. Kip’s family is accepting of the situation and they make Ruth feel welcome in their home. Kip and Ruth are now talking about getting married. I just don’t know what to do.
The potentially dangerous, yet irresistible, If – Then: “If you promise not to tell anyone, then I will tell you something.” Or, “If I tell you something, then you have to promise not to tell anyone.” Either way, saying yes, without posing some conditions or asking some questions before committing, can result in being an unwitting party to something clandestine, secretive, and often, destructive. Alas, so many of us have been there!
If you had the luxury of responding anew to Ruth’s request to share something with you in confidence, based on your current situation, would you handle things differently? For example, some might respond to Ruth’s request to keep a secret by saying, “You need to know that I don’t keep secrets from my spouse.” Others would perhaps want to know what was expected of them: “Why do you want to tell me something confidential? What am I supposed to do with this secret information?” Some might say they are not comfortable making a commitment when they don’t know what they’re committing to, while others might point out that they do not want to find themselves burdened with information that could compromise them or others in any way.
Of course, all of this may be retrospectively instructive and helpful in future situations in which you are invited to become part of a secret, but now that you have made a commitment to your granddaughter not to tell, what are your options?
Before we discuss your options, I want to suggest that you and Ruth need to have a conversation about why she shared her secret with you in the first place, assuming her reasons are clear to her. It may be a simple matter of her knowing you would not reject her, that is, her wanting an ally as she travels what could be a lonely road in some respects. Or it could be she is hoping you can play some role in getting her parents to be accepting of Kip. Yes, I strongly urge you and Ruth to have a heart-to-heart. If Ruth is old enough to think about marriage, she is certainly old enough to be responsible and accountable for her decisions and to understand the position you are in.
With regard to your options, I see three. First, a more passive strategy is that you simply honor your promise to Ruth, but understand and be ready to accept that you, along with your granddaughter and her intended, may be rejected by your daughter and / or son-in-law. If you go this route, you do stand to retain the love and affection of Ruth. Another possibility is that Ruth and Kip break up and Ruth’s parents never learn about it, and in the future, you make sure you don’t become involved in secrets in ways that are not acceptable to you.
Second, as Ruth and Kip move in the direction of an engagement and marriage, you could be a resource by helping them show confidence in the choices they are making by transitioning from their current deception to acknowledging their relationship to Ruth’s parents. In this case, with Ruth’s permission, you can try to use the knowledge she entrusted to you to build bridges of understanding between Ruth, Kip and both sets of their parents. It will be obvious to Sandra that Ruth confided in you, but it should also be clear to her that you were trying to facilitate some change and acceptance.
You may have to remind Sandra that you and her father did not threaten her with rejection when she chose to be more observant than you are. There can be a tendency to assume that more observance is preferable to being less so, but when the outcome is rejection and withholding of love, this can be a debatable assumption. In this scenario, you stand to retain Ruth’s love and affection as she will understand your were trying to help, but you may lose Sandra’s if she focuses on the fact that you had this knowledge for a while.
Third, you could decide to break your promise to Ruth and share your knowledge with Sandra about Ruth and Kip’s relationship. Sandra may or may not forgive you for not telling her sooner, so although your relationship with Sandra may be intact, chances are Ruth will feel you have betrayed her, even if you tell her in advance that you’re going to tell her mother about her dating Kip. You could permanently lose Ruth’s trust.
A final comment: your choices and decisions will be driven by your personal values, your hoped-for outcomes, and the risks you are willing or unwilling to take. When secrets are involved, people’s responses, even those whom we think we know well and whose behavior we think we can predict, sometimes disappoint us, sometimes surprise us, often please us, and if we’re really lucky, delight us. I hope you are pleased, if not delighted, with how things turn out for you and your family.
Ask Dr. Gramma Karen is published every Thursday.
E-mail queries to Karen@babybites.com
