My Toddler Cries When I Leave the House?!

You asked and you shall now receive. It’s only fair for us to share all of this stored up knowledge about a toddlers and what happens when they start toddling (and talking)! We now will answer, in a very public forum, all of those burning questions about children in their second year. Each Wednesday, we will tackle a commonly-asked-question from the point of view of a parent with a toddler. Chiming in to give her feedback will be three women who have been there and done that: an expert (you know someone who does this for a living), a mom from our community (for the “best” friend advice you need) and a babybites’ team member (someone who will promise to give you the REAL deal and no fluff). Earmark, share and add your own input to today’s question; it’s good karma.

What are some tips when my toddler cries when I leave the house?

Expert: Marsha Greenberg

The hardest part of seeing our toddlers cry when we leave is accepting that our toddlers do miss us. This does not mean you should not leave or that you are not being a good parent. What this means is that your toddler has bonded to you and loves your presence at home. These are good things.

Here are some things that can be helpful for your toddler before, during and after you leave.

• Make sure you say goodbye. It may seem less painful for both of you to not talk about the leaving but toddlers need to trust and they are concrete thinkers. They need to see you go so they can trust that if you are not in clear view in your house it does not mean you have disappeared. Toddlers will see overtime that going is coupled with returning and that allows them to start regulating their feelings.
• Let your toddler know you are going only about 20 minutes before you actually go. This allows them some time to begin to adjust but not too much time to build up too much anxiety before the actual departure. Remember each toddler is different temperamentally. Some toddlers have more work to do to manage their big feelings and overtime if you can stay steady with their reactions they will learn how to cope with separation. When we struggle to manage our anxiety about separating our toddlers can also cycle up with their own worries and feelings. Try to contain your own big feelings of worry by some deep breathing or imagining a jar you can set your feelings in while you help your toddler manage his experience of separating.
• Try using some toys to explain what you are going to do: take a few cars, let big car say goodbye to little car and drive big car to the store to get eggs while little car is back at the garage with helping car who will help little car play while you are gone. Remember toddlers are concrete thinkers so giving them a picture can be worth a thousand words.
• Try not to over talk your leaving. Try saying, “I am going to the store. I will be back . When I am at the store Maggie is going to take the special box to play with. I will see you soon. I love you.” A little is a lot for a toddler to process. Create a special box of play things. Try a large plastic tub with a cover filled with a small box of cornmeal dumped in it. Put in special scoops- little dolls or cars or animals or try filling squirt bottles with flour water and food coloring that a toddler can squeeze out. Tactile projects often get toddler attention.
• Put together a special book with pictures of you getting ready for work, the babysitter coming, you at work, your toddler playing and then you returning. This allows your toddler to see the process from beginning to end.

Our wished for picture when we leave is for our child to wave goodbye-this helps us feel better about going-Your child will get there but it may take time.

Mom: Laura Barash

Gosh, it’s so heart-wrenching to leave your child crying. I’ve tried everything and find that a quick exit is best: a kiss, a distraction with a favorite toy (Sesame Street sticker book in our case) and out the door. No extra hugs. It may seem harsh but it’s worse to delay the inevitable. Whenever I call the babysitter to check-in, I’m usually told that my son stopped crying within 20 seconds!

Mommybites’ team: Heather Ouida

This is tough one because it breaks your heart to hear them cry (and as a mom of a 9 year old, it also breaks your heart when they stop crying when you leave the house!). I found it helped to have a little goodbye ritual that went something like this: “Mommy’s going out right now and Nita (our babysitter) is here to take good care of you. When I get home I will give you a big kiss even if you’re sleeping. And don’t forget, Mommy always comes…” As which point, they would say, “back.” And once I left the house, even if they were crying, I would never come back in. I felt like by me coming back in, would send the message to my sons’ that I did not trust the caregiver I had left them with.

 

About our team:

Marsha Greenberg M.S., M.S. W

Marsha is a therapist in New York City. She is the author of the newly released book, Raising Your Toddler, by Globe Pequot Press. She has masters degrees in Child and Family Development and Social Work from the University of Michigan. As the Director of the Health Systems Child Care Program for over 14 years, she was responsible for over 250 children between the ages of 6 weeks and 6 years of age. Marsha teaches in the Early Childhood Special Education department at NYU and has a private psychotherapy practice in NYC. Marsha is the mother of three grown sons and has three grandsons (aged 4 and 18 months and 4 months) with a new grandchild on the way.

 

Laura Barash

Laura, March’s toddler mom, ready to answer your questions! She is a full-time mom to Jake, 4 1/2 years and Logan, 2 years. Prior to full-time motherhood, Laura lived and worked in NYC as a CPA and an executive recruiter for finance and accounting. Shortly before her 1st bundle of joy was born, she moved to the suburbs and now lives in West Hartford, CT. She has taken on the mom role with gusto and when not whipping up PB&J sandwiches, wiping runny noses, and breaking up wrestling matches between her sons, she co-leads the PTO at her son’s preschool, dabbles in photography, runs 5Ks, and takes boot camp classes whenever the bosses allow (Jake and Logan, that is!).

 

Heather Ouida

Heather co-owns Mommybites with business partner Laura Deutsch. She is responsible for managing, growing and overseeing Mommybites nationally as well their flagship city of Manhattan. Heather’s favorite parts of her job include hosting “Mommybites Live” an educational talk show with parenting luminaries, writing her blog which varies between sappy, educational and downright snarky, interviewing parenting experts for Mommybites’ regular tele-class series and guest facilitating some of the Manhattan working moms support groups. Prior to co-founding Mommybites, Heather was a learning specialist where she taught in London for many years as well as at The Dalton School in Manhattan. Heather holds a BA in psychology from Hobart and William Smith Colleges, an MA in child development form Tufts University and acquired her learning specialist degree form York University in England. Heather currently resides in Manhattan her husband, two boys, two fish and pet turtle. Heather’s hobbies include, hot yoga, Nutella eating, writing, Bravo watching, reading and sharing inappropriate jokes with girl friends. To learn more about Heather’s mission to support follow-moms in non-judgmental ways please click here.