A Mother’s Preoccupation with Her New Baby

By Dr. Dana Dorfman, psychotherapist

On September 11, it is impossible not to reflect on our personal experiences nine years ago.

Six weeks prior to September 11, 2001, I was in the midst of my own crisis- the birth of my first baby.  While elated and awestruck, I was overwhelmed, sleep deprived and hormonal.  At 8am the morning of the 11th, I was attempting a feat which took several days of strategizing – a shower.

As I placed my gorgeous human specimen (aka: daughter) in the bouncy seat of the bathroom floor, rehearsed the songs that I would sing to her as I bathed and turned on the water….my husband called from his Wall Street office to inform me of the fire.  I resented his interruption of my well-orchestrated exercise, particularly regarding an event occurring outside of the four walls of my new baby sanctuary.  I was determined not to allow reality to interfere with my plan.  Thus, I proceeded the death defying feat of bathing with a newborn in a bouncy seat beside the shower.  As I emerged with a tremendous sense of mastery, the phone rang off the hook with updates of the rapidly unfolding devastation occurring downtown.

About an hour later, my husband’s sister arrived at our midtown apartment as she escaped from Tower 1 moments before.  We held one another as we watched from my window; we saw the towers disintegrate as if they were Lego structures.  As for all of us, it was surreal and the magnitude of it- unimaginable.

My terrified husband arrived at our home shortly thereafter.  He quickly tossed some items in a bag and insisted that we evacuate our 32^nd floor apartment which stood only three blocks from the Empire State Building.  “Who knows what skyscraper may be next! We need to get out of midtown!” he said.

My thought process, of which I am not proud, was as follows:

“Are you kidding me?  The baby needs to eat in approximately 17 minutes?  Besides, she is sleeping.  You NEVER wake a sleeping baby!!!  Besides, I could become engorged!  This could lead to infection!  She’s so comfortable in her bassinet.  She is still making the adjustment from “womb to world” and I want to help her transition in a calm, manner.

“We need to leave NOW…get the baby and let’s go!”

My thought process continued:

“If we are going to leave, should I pack the breast pump…How do I reattach the seat to “snap ‘n go” anyway?  Doesn’t he realize that the baby’s needs come first?  You can’t just leave, there’s preparation that needs to happen!  Spontaneous departures are no longer part of our lives.

As we and thousands of others ran up the Upper East Side, my daughter began to cry from hunger; then wail.  “She needs to eat NOW!” I yelled.    My husband shouted, “She’ll survive, just keep going”

While this illustrates an undeniable self-absorption, it illustrates the power of the concept of “primary maternal preoccupation”- a phenomenon coined by a brilliant theorist D.W. Winnicott.   He explains this physiologically driven state  where mother strongly identifies and focuses all of her physical and psychic attention on the baby’s needs;  it resembles a cocoon-like existence between mother and baby and it facilitates the adjustment, bonding and attunement of mother to child.  It is both intense and temporary.

In this initial period, my world consisted of “Baby and Me” and I had minimal interest in others.  The city was literally crumbling around us, and I was focused on we two.

Ironically, my 9 year old daughter and I had “a date” this evening- just the two of us.   As I sat across the table from her, I marveled at her mind and beauty.  I was captivated; as if nobody existed but we two. However, our present intimacy has a fluidity that could not possibly have existed nine years ago.

During the meal, my daughter expressed her awareness and feelings about the controversy of the Muslim community center.  We discussed the notions of differing perspectives, tolerance, and religion.  We talked at length about the world that includes us, but extends far beyond us.  Together we contemplated these issues and their impact not only on us individually, and as a family, but the world of which we are both a part.

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Dr. Dana Dorfman is thrilled to become part of the babybites community.  She is a psychotherapist in private practice in Manhattan with over 18 years treating children, adolescents and parents.  Dr. Dorfman is a well-known parent educator throughout the tristate area as she has lectured at the majority of NYC private schools (i.e Horace Mann, Dalton) ; she has led regular parenting groups at institutions such as the JCC of Manhattan, Soho Parenting Center and NYU Child Study Center. She has been quoted in magazines such as Working Mother, Parents, and Metro Parents and articles for iVillage and MSN.com and she has been a guest on public radio and cable television.  Dr. Dorfman earned both her Masters and Doctoral degrees from New York University where she published research on working motherhood.  Most importantly, she is the mother of two school age children from whom she has gained tremendous parenting knowledge.