We make resolutions to lose weight, work harder, save money, clean more – and on and on and on. This New Year, make a resolution that will change your family and your life! Here’s how in three steps (I won’t say these are easy steps, as they do take some getting used to).
1. Use Your Calm Voice. The one that keeps the veins from popping out of your head.
This new year, resolve to save yelling for situations when your child or another is
in danger. Resolve to make yelling a last resort (and perhaps ditch it altogether, minus
the danger scenarios such as hot pots, plugs, flung toys at heads, etc.).
You see, when parents yell, kids learn that yelling is the way to express strong feelings and they will pull out that lesson on YOU. Yikes. You know that you have heard yourself coming from your kid’s mouth. That is never a fun moment. Instead, ask for what you want in a clear, concise way.
We do not want to be nagged and neither do your kids. Now that you can’t yell, what voice is the one to use? Use a calm voice – I call it a “vanilla” (possibly slow and sedated-sounding). For example, “I was very clear. Please clean up your cars before they get stepped on and break.”
The idea is to take down the intensity of the situation. It is that intensity that keeps your child yelling and tantruming. You take it down by modeling the volume level that you want to hear. If the parent talks in a calm and quiet voice, the child will begin to do so too, and this can help to reduce the frequency of your child’s yelling, tantrums, and meltdowns.
2. So no more yelling, but what can a parent do? If You Say It, Do It
This new year, resolve to mean what you say. That means if you tell your child -who is throwing blocks – that you are putting away the blocks for everyone’s safety, DO IT. Do not be persuaded by cuteness, tears, batting lashes, or “I promise I won’t do it again.” If you do, the changes in behavior that you are looking for will not come your way.
Many parents are all bark and no, ummm, bite (please do not bite your kids). You could also say, “all talk and no action,” – and your kids know this. If you are always yelling, harping, and nagging, your kids will just tune you out. We do it too. As soon as someone starts nagging us, our eyes go blank, our minds wander and we just think, “when will this END??” Skip the yelling and resolve to follow through. Let the consequences do the talking. When you start following through on what you say, you will see changes in your home and family before you know it.
3. Resolve to follow through with Logical Consequences. You have now resolved to follow through, but how can you do that in a productive way without yelling? Logical Consequences are consequences that are related to the action. They are consequences that fit the offense. They just make sense.
Examples
- A child throws blocks, and the blocks are put away so no one gets hurt and nothing breaks.
- A child writes on the wall, so she has to clean it off (the best that she can).
- A child is using unkind words to those around him, so he needs to find a space of his own. He cannot be around other folks because no one deserves to be spoken to in an unkind way. If he is too young to be alone he can be in a room with a grown up, but spending time by himself doing a quiet activity.
The idea is for children to understand that their actions have reactions. That their
choices affect how their day unfolds. That how they treat those in a community and
things in a community matter. The life lesson is that we have to think about our choices
and take responsibility for our actions. This goes for grownups too, right?
Putting it together
- Say calmly, “Amy, you need clean up before we go to the playground, please. We cannot go until you do.”
- Say calmly, “Sam, I told you to play safely with the blocks or I would put them away. You threw the blocks again, so now they go away. We build with blocks, not throw them.”
- Say calmly, “Sarah, you can watch TV when you are finished your homework and not before. When you watch TV is up to you. Get your work finished carefully and then you can watch TV. I am being clear.”
This new year, feel free to work out more, work harder, and clean more, but if you
REALLY want to transform your life, follow these three parenting resolutions and bring
peace, harmony, teamwork, and FUN into your home.
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Brandi Davis, ACC is a professional Parenting Coach, Parent Educator, and Author of O.K. I’m A Parent Now What? She can also be found on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and be sure to catch her parenting podcasts on iTunes. The goal of Brandi’s practice is to bring respect, calm communication, teamwork, and FUN into the home or classroom. To discover all that Child and Family Coaching can bring to your family stop by www.childandfamilycoaching.com.
The views and opinions expressed on this blog are purely the blog contributor’s. Any product claim, statistic, quote or other representation about a product or service should be verified with the manufacturer or provider. Writers may have conflicts of interest, and their opinions are their own.