I visit with my son, his wife and their three-year-old son for a couple of days every six weeks or so. I love spending time with my grandson Michael. My relationship with my son is good. My relationship with my daughter-in-law is okay, but she tends to get snippy with me when I ask even casual questions about how Michael is doing. I really try not to be critical or judgmental, but the conversation seems strained whenever we talk about my grandson. My son tends to ignore these uncomfortable exchanges when he’s around us.
Here’s where I need some advice. I think Michael may need some help with his speech, as only about half of what he says is understandable. When I mentioned to my son and daughter-in-law that I was having difficulty understanding Michael, they both became very defensive and said their pediatrician said Michael was fine and he would outgrow it. The message I got was: MYOB (Mind Your Own Business).
I talked with the daughter of a friend of mine, a speech and language pathologist, and she said Michael might have some form of a condition, having to do with the muscles of the face and tongue that impedes proper speech. This is not a condition that a child simply outgrows. She also said that Michael should be given an assessment as soon as possible, because if he has a problem and is not treated, he could lose his self-confidence, become self-conscious, come to dislike school and avoid social activities when he gets older. I am not sure how to proceed.
You’re showing a lot of courage in wanting to proceed. I say this because your situation is one where your goal of wanting your son and daughter-in-law to at least hear what you have to say could have some negative relationship ramifications, as it sounds like your relationship with your daughter-in-law is a bit shaky. If you do become a persona non grata after speaking your mind, hopefully it will be only temporary, but this is a risk perhaps well worth taking if you can, in fact, help Michael.
If you’re of a full-steam-ahead mindset, your immediate challenge is to be clear about what you want to say and how you want to communicate it.
First, what do you want to say? Perhaps you want to make these points:
- You’re still having trouble understanding Michael’s speech.
- Your only motivation in raising this topic is your love for Michael. You think they’re great parents and you are in no way casting dispersions on their parenting.
- Because you’re concerned, you’ve talked with a speech and language pathologist, who said:
- Speech impediments are common in young children.
- Many speech difficulties do not self correct.
- An assessment by a trained professional can pinpoint any problems and determine if treatment is warranted, or if the child will outgrow it.
- Treatment, sooner rather than later (before entering school), is best for the child.
- If the treatment required is delayed, the school will eventually pick it up anyway, and the child will have lost valuable treatment time.
- Unaddressed speech problems can make a child a target of teasing; this in turn can result in the child’s loss of self-confidence.
- The assessment process is totally benign and will not cause Michael any stress or discomfort.
- Some cities and towns pay for speech therapy.
- You got an estimate for the cost of an assessment by a speech therapist, and you would like to pay for this as a gift.
- You hope they agree with you that there is no downside to having Michael assessed: if Michael needs speech therapy, it’s good to know that and begin helping him. If Michael doesn’t need it, everyone has peace of mind.
Once you’re clear on the points you want to make, you need to decide how to deliver your message. I think this is a message that you need to deliver in person, if possible, so that if there is any MYOB behavior from your son, daughter-in-law, or both, you can help lower the emotional pitch by saying over and over, in a calm voice, “Please just hear me out. Of course the final decision is yours to make. Please just hear me out.”
In this way you’re reminding them that you just want them to listen to what you have to say, you’re trying to influence them with information provided by an expert, and that you know they have the final say. I also suggest you work from a written list of the points you want to make and that you leave a copy with them so they can think about it.
Your son and daughter-in-law may initially be angry and upset with you, so you must be willing to take this relationship hit. However, my hope is that you are pleasantly surprised by their reaction; that is, they thank you for your concern and the positive steps you’ve taken on Michael’s behalf. Further, I hope they take you up on your generous offer to get an assessment done as soon as possible.
It’s possible that they, too, have similar concerns about Michael’s speech, but they are reluctant to question, and because they want to believe, the pediatrician’s contention that Michael would outgrow it. The suggestions from an expert, the speech and language pathologist with whom you consulted, may be enough to help them re-visit their position and to stay focused on what’s best for Michael.
Ask Dr. Gramma Karen is published every Thursday (new day!).
E-mail queries to Karen@babybites.com
