There was a recent article denouncing the positivity and usefulness of consistency. Rigidity, yes, denounce away. Unrealistic expectation of perfect parenting, yup, denounce that too. Consistency, though- that is the keeper. Read on and you will discover the three misconceptions about consistency.
Nahhhhh, consistency is not impossible, it just takes clarity of expectations and stick-to-itiveness. Here are some tips to create clarity:
- Make a list of rules with your kids. If they are involved in rule making, they are more likely to follow those rules.
- Be clear about other expectations, such as clearing the table after eating, no TV before homework, clean up toys, kind and calm words, etc.
- Be clear about the consequences when expectations are not met. One cannot move on to another activity until she clears her place; if TV is turned on before homework is done, no TV for that and the next day; if you cannot clean the toys, you cannot play with those toys.
- When consistency is difficult, ask yourself why. Why am I having trouble being consistent? Are my expectations too high? Is the follow-through too hard to implement? Do I fear the tantrum? Figure out what is holding you back so that you can move forward.
Consistency Is Rigid
The great thing about being the parent implementing the consistency is that YOU get to choose what to be consistent about. Consistency does not mean that kids and parents do not get to have fun – or that you never change your mind or the rules. Rules and expectations change with time, age of kids, and parental experience.
I am consistent so that we can be wild and crazy and not rigid. So we can shake things up when we want to. We can play catch inside on a rainy day or have a wild dance party because I am consistent. I know that if things get too wild or unsafe and I must say, “Stop,” the kids will stop without fights or tantrums. That freedom and fun is born from my consistency. When I gave the freedom, I was clear: “We can have fun, but when I say stop, it is time to stop. If you do not stop and continue to be unsafe I will have to excuse you.” Consistency is not rigid, it is clear.
So go ahead, shake things up and eat cake for breakfast or watch one more show because someone does not feel well or it is a special night. There is always room for fun and flexibility!
Consistency Means Dictatorship
No way! Even when parents are consistent, children still have a voice. When there is consistency, children know what to expect and what is coming up next in their day, and that makes children (and grown ups too) feel secure. If kids have an idea or disagree with the upcoming event or a request, they can voice their thoughts and opinions.
There have been times when a child’s words made me re-think a rule or plan or scheduling. That being said, I have lived on this earth longer – way longer, way, way, way longer *sigh* – than the child, so there are things that I know about. I know that a child needs an early bedtime and that bedtime needs to be the same, most nights, to keep a child regulated. I know that too much TV is not good for anyone. I know that if I want a child to learn respect, I need to not only respect the child, but to also expect respect myself. We need to hear the words of children, but children also need to hear our words and respect our needs as well.
Consistent IS the key.
It brings safety and security to a child’s and family’s life. Figure out where the consistency needs to be incorporated in your family. See where discussions fit and where a grown-ups’ words really are the end point (it is NO FUN to debate, argue or discuss EVERYTHING from bedtime, to one more show, to a snack before dinner to… you get the idea).
If you bend a rule every now and then because you are ill or tired or the in-laws are in town or it is a special occasion, that is not failure – it is going with the flow. Though one would think that consistency means 100%, when it comes to parenting that is not the case. Shoot for 85-90%. When you do bend, let your kids know why you are choosing that path so they are not confused.
Consistency helps your family flow, helps kids feel secure, adds structure to the day, and keeps fighting and tantrums to a minimum. Get out there and rock YOUR consistency.
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Brandi Davis, ACC, is a professional Parenting Coach, Parent Educator, and Author of O.K. I’m A Parent Now What? She can also be found on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and be sure to catch her parenting podcasts on iTunes. The goal of Brandi’s practice is to bring respect, calm communication, teamwork, and FUN into the home or classroom. To discover all that Child and Family Coaching can bring to your family stop by www.childandfamilycoaching.com.
The views and opinions expressed on this blog are purely the blog contributor’s. Any product claim, statistic, quote or other representation about a product or service should be verified with the manufacturer or provider. Writers may have conflicts of interest, and their opinions are their own.