Dear Readers,
I received several comments about the Guidelines (Do’s and Don’ts) for Grandmothers (posted 10/12/11) and Guidelines (Do’s and Don’ts) for Expectant/New/Young Moms (posted 10/19/11).
One young mom said, “I sent these [Guidelines for Grandmothers] to my mom (she does a great job of honoring these already) I love the ones for me [Guidelines for Young Moms], and I’ve shared them with my mom so she can help keep me honest.” It sounds like the guidelines are helpful to this young mom and her mother for reviewing, affirming and validating what they’ve been doing right along, working in tandem. I like the term “honoring” because this implies mutual respect and constant vigilance, the cornerstones of a strong relationship.
A grandparent presents a different perspective on the guidelines: “Don’t grandparents have a special relationship with their grandchildren that they should define, or are they only robots responding to the directions of the parents?” The way the question is phrased sounds a bit like an either-or. That is, either the grandparents have total free reign to develop their relationships with the grandchildren, or they can interact only as dictated by the parents. I agree with this grandparent that there is and should be something special that develops between a grandparent and grandchild, but the point I try to make is that this “specialness” is bounded by the tenets of the childrearing practices the parents have defined — and these practices often include rules and expectations with which the grandparent may not agree.
However, grandparents deviate at their own peril, because what they may consider “merely developing my special relationship with my grandchild” may be interpreted by the young parent as annoying, disrespectful or critical. In short, it’s not an either-or, but rather, a relationship-building process between the grandparent and grandchild that requires the grandparent to factor in, honor, if you will, the parents’ preferences and requests.
A related question: “I am sure that the ‘zip it’ advice applies more to the MIL (mother-in-law) than to the mother. You agree?” I can best address this question by sharing a comment from another reader, a young mom: “I love the advice to grandmothers to ‘zip it’ when in doubt – always a better [course of action] than the helicopter grandparent, which really can threaten the parent’s sense that they are doing their job well.” Of course there may be more emotional water under the dam between a mom and her mom by virtue of the length and intensity of that relationship, but I agree with this mom’s comment that it doesn’t matter if a helicopter grandparent is related by biology or marriage, the impact is the same: the young parent often feels criticized.
Some additional comments and suggestions from this same young mom: “I do think that setting clear expectations can derail the helicopter grandparent. I do, however, think that pre-planning is not always the answer. Things can (and do) come up after the baby is born — and things always change as the baby / child grows. So another thought is to periodically (post birth) check in with daughter / daughter-in-law about expectations / guidelines.” Excellent advice! As moms and grandmoms alike point out, the new mom with the first baby typically has a greater dependency on the guidance and advice of her mom/MIL than she does as that baby grows older and/or she has additional children. The initial, much-needed involvement of the grandmothers gets replaced over time by the young mom’s firsthand experience and increased confidence in her parenting abilities.
Another young mom writes: “I never quite knew how to describe my mother, and now I do. She is a Helicopter Grandmother, big time. We bicker a lot because she is always telling me what to do and questioning my decisions. I would love for her to read the guidelines for grandmothers, but I am sure she’ll just tear them apart. Any suggestions?” One suggestion is that instead of positioning the guidelines as something your mother needs to read and consider, you might share them with her as something you’re working on. Ask her to go over each of the Guidelines for Expectant/Young/New Moms with you and invite her to give her opinion on how you’re doing on each one. Perhaps a real dialogue can result because you would be putting the focus on yourself, not on her. A next logical step might be for your mom to at least glance at the Guidelines for Grandmothers and, if you’re lucky, be open to discussing them with you.
A suggestion from a grandmother: “[Guidelines are] a very helpful and extensive list. I’m smiling as I think that both of these lists should go home with new parents everywhere when the baby leaves the hospital. Parents usually keep a feeding/pooping/peeing (fpp) record on the refrigerator — your lists will be needed infinitely longer than the fpp list.”
And a final comment from a reader, one that I think aptly summarizes what I intend as the primary purpose of the guidelines: “[If] all parents and grandparents read both [sets of guidelines] it would go a long way toward helping comfortable, loving relationships — with the children the winners!”
I appreciate my readers sharing their comments and suggestions. Thank you!
Ask Dr. Gramma Karen is published every Wednesday.
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