Dear Gramma Karen,
I am a single mom with one daughter, Blanche, who is 11. She is a great kid! She’s a strong student, a solid athlete, has nice manners, and is well liked by her teachers and peers.
The situation: Last week when I went to pick her up at the school playground, I saw that she had been boxed into the fence by three girls who were chanting in an aggressive sing-songy way, “Teacher’s pet, teacher’s pet.” As soon as the group saw me, they took off.
Later that night, when I asked Blanche what was going on, she said she didn’t want to talk about it. When I pressed her for details, she said she wouldn’t tell me unless I promised not to tell the school. She explained that the girls had been making fun of her because she makes it a point to say good-bye and thank you to each of her teachers every day.
At first the taunting was just by one girl, Cari, who, surprisingly, is one of the most popular girls in the class – a good student and talented athlete. Then Cari got two other girls, both of whom Blanche considered good friends, to join her in making fun of Blanche. This had been going on for several weeks. Blanche says she just ignores them when they do it.
I am losing sleep over this. I want to honor my promise to Blanche not to let the school know about what these girls are doing to her, but my mom (who is extremely close to Blanche) is adamant that I should contact the school. I am afraid Blanche will never trust me again if I contact the school, but my mom says the school authorities can’t do their job if they don’t know about it. Your thoughts?
Dr. Karen’s Response:
I have to go with your mom on this one. I understand you not wanting to jeopardize the trust between you and your daughter, but I think this is one of those rare situations where you have to protect your child without her knowing you’ve done so. Blanche probably, and rightfully, thinks that if it became known her mother told the school about what the three girls were doing, things would get worse for her, e.g., they would harass her for being a tattletale.
Before I give you my advice, I want to pick up on a point you made about the girl who is leading the bullying – that is, she is popular, a good student, and a good athlete. A good question is why would a kid who has so much going for her feel a need to make your daughter’s life miserable?
Research on adolescent behavior conducted by sociologist Rene Veenstra, Ph.D., suggests that many bullies are motivated by jealousy: “Bullies aren’t looking to be loved, but they are looking to be noticed . . . They are often perceived as very popular.” University of Wisconsin professor of educational psychology Amy Bellmore, PhD, tells WebMD that studies conducted by Dr. Veenstra and others are noteworthy because they fly “ . . . in the face of the generally held idea that kids who pick on other kids have poor social skills and low self-esteem . . . Even at this young age, bullies tend to be aware of the social hierarchy within the class and are seeking the admiration of specific people.”
In other words, a possible explanation for why Cari has made Blanche a target to bully is that she feels threatened by and jealous of the respect and esteem Blanche enjoys from her peers and teachers. In fact, Cari may have intentionally corralled Blanche’s friends as her “bully buddies” to help undermine Blanche’s status. Why would they go along? Perhaps out of fear of themselves of being targeted by Cari if they didn’t.
Yes, this is all conjecture on my part as to why Cari has targeted Blanche, but I think it is important to mention because it challenges the prevailing stereotype that bullies are troubled outliers and that their targets are kids who are loners and a bit different. Both Blanche and Cari are well-liked, good students and athletes.
My advice to you is that you immediately contact the school principal and give him/her as many details as possible, including the names of all the children involved. What’s happening to Blanche may be a one-off, or she may be a victim of something that has a history. Either way, the principal needs to know. He/she will be sensitive to the trust issue between you and Blanche, and will be in a position to advise and plan next steps.
Update from the Mom Two Weeks Later
I took yours and my mom’s advice and e-mailed the school principal. He e-mailed back immediately and assured me I did the right thing to contact him. He said he would alert his teachers to keep an eye out for Blanche and the girls bullying her. This strategy paid off: one of the teachers caught Cari and the two girls in the act of bullying Blanche. Each of the girls had to meet one-on-one with the principal who reminded them that their behavior was mean, unacceptable, and would not be tolerated. He also called all the parents, telling them their child had participated in bullying.
The two girls who had been Blanche’s friends were devastated and told her how sorry they were that they were mean to her and that it would never happen again. They each invited Blanche to get together after school or on the weekend. Cari wrote Blanche a note apologizing and saying it would not happen again. When Blanche and Cari see each other, they are polite to each other, but they don’t socialize. Blanche is happy to have her two friends back in her life, and I am sleeping better!
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I learned so much from this column! You’ve increased my understanding of bullying (guilty of holding the stereotypes you mentioned!), and the positive outcome surprised and inspired me.
Thank you!