We say it all the time, don’t we? We wish we didn’t yell so much.
It feels awful for us, the kids, the family. We want to stop, but how? If we don’t yell, how will we be heard? How will our kids learn? What else can we do?
I could keep going with all of the questions – or just give three quick fixes.
Stop the negotiating.
It is so cute at first. You also want to be fair. You want to be nice. You want to be sure to hear and respect your kids. You do this because you know that after all of that respect and listening, they will do what you ask. WRONG!
Sorry to be so blunt but, WRONG! Your kids will not do what you ask just because you listened and respected and discussed and tried to reason with them. They will only learn that you do not mean what you say, and that you can be swayed, easily. In the end, you will just get frustrated with all the back and forth and disrespect – and you and the kids end up in an all out screaming match. Yelling again.
Hear your kids. Listen to their thoughts and feelings, but you do not have to change your mind or qualify your decision with a lengthy justification.
Explain yourself briefly, follow through, and move on. Your kids will learn quickly that negotiations do not work and will stop fighting. Sometimes your child will have a valid alternative. If you would like to change your mind, do so, but explain why you agree with your child. Do it because he has changed your mind with reason, not because he has worn you down or you are fed up with the yelling match.
Set and carry out consequences.
The less that you talk, the less upset you will get, and the less chance there is for yelling. If your child does something that you do not find appropriate, or is unsafe or unkind, let the consequences do the talking.
If your child writes on the wall, don’t yell. Have her clean it and put the crayons away for the day – and even the next if you feel the need. Your child comes home late from the neighbors house? No need to yell. She just lost the privilege to go over for the week. Your child is not speaking in kind ways? Don’t yell and model more aggression. Nix that movie outing. Why would you take someone who is not treating you kindly on an outing? Be sure to say that you love her and would like to take her out, but will not until you are treated better. Of course your child can express her thoughts and feelings, but nastiness, snark, and mean words are not to be tolerated, or modeled.
Just don’t do it.
Okay, it’s not quite that easy, and it takes some practice (and the ability to transport to your happy place), but just don’t yell. End the conversation if you must: “I was clear. If you watched TV and your grades dropped, there would be no more TV during the week and no more on the weekend until the work is done. I will not discuss this anymore.”
Walk away if you need to. If you have big enough kids, go into your room and lock the door if you can. If your partner is at home, take a walk, sit outside. Just don’t yell.
You may wonder why it is so important to end the yelling. Yelling models angry reactions for your kids. If you yell, they will yell, and on it goes. Yelling feels bad on your body and your soul. Yelling can bring about more yelling or make your kids shut down. They will withdraw from you because they feel that all they get is anger (even if that anger is justified).
On the flip-side, some kids just don’t hear it anymore. They become desensitized and shut it out. This leaves you yelling, exhausted, frustrated, and emotionally drained – and your kids, unchanged. It takes some practice. Don’t punish yourself when you slip up and yell – and you will – but begin take yelling out of the house and your family. You will feel better, the kids will feel better, and you will see real changes in behavior.
*If your child or another child is in danger, yes, YELL. If it is about safety, SCREAM YOUR FACE OFF. Your kid runs into the street, is about to touch the stove, has a block at the ready to hit another person, YELL, YELL, YELL. And because you do not usually yell, your voice will be heard.
Brandi Davis, ACC, is a professional Parenting Coach, Parent Educator, and Author of O.K. I’m A Parent Now What? She can also be found on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and be sure to catch her parenting podcasts on iTunes. The goal of Brandi’s practice is to bring respect, calm communication, teamwork, and FUN into the home or classroom. To discover all that Child and Family Coaching can bring to your family stop by www.childandfamilycoaching.com.
The views and opinions expressed on this blog are purely the blog contributor’s. Any product claim, statistic, quote or other representation about a product or service should be verified with the manufacturer or provider. Writers may have conflicts of interest, and their opinions are their own.
Hire a Nanny in the New York Metropolitan Area
Manhattan Nannies
Westchester Nannies
Brooklyn Nannies
Queens Nannies
Staten Island Nannies
Bronx Nannies
Long Island Nannies
Connecticut Nannies
New Jersey Nannies
Like what you read? JOIN the Mommybites community to get the latest on FREE online classes, parenting advice, events, childcare listings, casting calls & raffles, and our Parents With Nannies Facebook group. SIGN UP NOW!