I am a part of a blended family and have been for ten years now. My husband is sweet and kind, someone I felt I could be myself with. Most important, I felt I could trust him with my children.
Although my mother-in-law sees her children as successes, many people might question this about two of her grown sons living at home – one addicted to drugs, is married with one child, and the other is the father of three illegitimate daughters, all with different mothers.
My mother-in-law has had these children on and off during the last 16 years because the mothers of the oldest two are incompetent. Well, needless to say, my parenting and my MIL’s parenting are on different ends of the spectrum. While growing up, my family focused on education, independence, and success. My oldest three children are grown, and are on their own – they never ask me for money, they are not on drugs, and they are completely independent.
With the track record of my mother in law’s child-rearing skills, my husband was confident I could help with his brother’s two daughters, who are now 8- and 16-years-old. I am trying to teach them how important it is to grow up to be responsible and independent. The problem is my mother-in-law (the girls’ grandmother, called Grandmom). She undoes everything we’re trying to do. Grandmom insists that the two girls stay at her house, and then when they are with us, they show disrespectful behavior and lazy do-for-me attitudes.
My husband is so beside himself that he is ready to move out of state and leave the 16-year-old with Grandmom so he can at least give the 8-year-old a chance. I end up being the evil stepmom, even though all I want is to see my husband’s brother’s children succeed. Meanwhile, Grandmom wants them to depend on her forever.
I am tired of the struggle because I still have a biological child at home with me and I am going to continue raising him as I did my older children. I don’t know how to balance this without giving up on my husband’s brother’s children to secure success for mine. Do I let my MIL do as she has done – undermine everything we try to do – or do I continue to fight for children who believe I’m being mean?
I think I can best help you with this complicated situation by pointing out for your consideration three areas with implications: (1) legal; (2) emotional; (3) behavioral.
Legal Implications It is not clear who is legally responsible for your husband’s brothers’ two daughters, especially if they have different mothers. If the father and mothers of these two girls are legally responsible for their daughters, then, strictly speaking, you and your husband are helping out and need their approval and permission to spend time with their girls. This same caveat applies to Grandmom. If anything were to happen to either of these girls while you are caring for them, with the informal arrangement you seem to have regarding their care, you could find yourselves in legal jeopardy in ways you may have not anticipated.
Therefore, my first suggestion is that you consult with a lawyer who specializes in family law to see what your options are for caring for one or both of these girls to ensure that your own family is legally protected from lawsuits and/or other unforeseen circumstances. Further, you may want to explore the possibility of formalizing the caretaker arrangements for the girls, perhaps by your husband or Grandmom filing for legal guardianship – all done, ideally, working with the biological parents, and within the legal system.
The focus needs to be on what is best for the girls and what legalities need to be in place to protect the girls and all parties interested in their wellbeing. This is especially important if you and your husband are considering having one of the girls live with you full-time, possibly in another state. FindLaw can help you locate a family law lawyer.
Emotional Implications
I want to suggest that you need to do whatever it takes for you to work cooperatively and collaboratively with Grandmom. If you continue to waste your energy on being frustrated with her and resentful that she displays what you consider to be poor parenting skills, you will be consumed by your negativity and make decisions that may not be in your own best interests, or those of the parties in this situation, especially the young girls.
Say what you want about Grandmom, but she has taken in and consistently cared for her grandchildren under some very challenging conditions. By putting behind you the emotional baggage you may both be carrying toward each other, you two could make a skilled and caring team for your husband’s nieces.
With the help of perhaps a family therapist or counselor facilitating, I suggest you, Grandmom, and your husband focus on “How can we work better together to do what’s best for the girls going forward?” It seems that right now your focus is overly concentrated on all the ways Grandmom has not done right by you and/or the girls. It seems that both you and Grandmom have good hearts, so if you were to sincerely reach out from your heart, I think she might be receptive.
Behavioral Implications
Whatever caretaking arrangements are in place or are put in place regarding the two girls, you and your husband get to set the behavioral expectations that you expect to be followed in your home. Kids are very flexible and adaptable and are used to following different sets of rules, depending on where they are. For example, teachers, sports coaches, club leaders all have varying rules, and kids fall into line when the rules are clear and enforced.
I think that the respect and behavior you would like to see from the girls will be more forthcoming once you and Grandmom strengthen your communication and relationship. In view of Grandmom’s acceptance of her caretaking role, there may be much about her you can admire and respect. I am not saying Grandmom does have these feelings, but if she does, she would probably acknowledge many fine attributes about you if she weren’t feeling judged by you and not up to your standards.
In short, here are my recommendations:
- Get clarity around who has legal responsibility for the girls, as this person(s) has the ultimate and final decision-making control by which you need to abide.
- Do whatever it takes for you and Grandmom to work together regarding the girls.
- Set and enforce the rules for what the girls may and may not do when you are in charge of them.
I hope these suggestions are helpful, especially for your husband’s two nieces.
Ask Dr. Gramma Karen is published every other Tuesday.
E-mail queries to Karen@mommybites.com
Karen L. Rancourt‘s most recent book is,
Ask Dr. Gramma Karen: Helping Young Parents and Grandparents Deal with Thorny Issues.
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