In light of yesterday’s shocking events in Boston, we thought it would be helpful to re-share some useful guidelines on how to talk with your children when public tragedies such as this occur. Our hearts, thoughts and prayers go out to all those affected by this catastrophe.
Thank you to Dr. Gerard Costa, PhD, at Montclair State University’s College of Education and Human Services, Center for Autism and Early Childhood Mental Health, for providing us with these guidelines.
- Ask children what they know and have heard. Correct the accounts and give permission for many different feelings: scared, angry, worried, etc. Monitor your own emotion and tone of voice.
- It is okay, even important for children to know that the adults in their lives have the same feelings when bad things happen: sadness, fear, worry, anger. Let children know you feel these feelings and that you are there for them. It is important however, that you remain in control. If your own reaction is difficult to manage, enlist another adult to help you with the children.
- Limit repeated exposure to images and reports of the events.
- Follow the child’s lead, talk about what happened, be reassuring about the ways that you, the adults, will take care of them. Turn the TV off, read a book, interact in play, talk. Typical and normal routines are comforting and reassuring to children.
- At each developmental period, the availability and empathic response of a caring, familiar, adult begins the process of remediation.
- Infants require comfort, familiar attachment figures, holding, protection, restoration of routines.
- As language and imagination grow, children need simple words, repeated reassurances, acceptance of time-limited regression, constant monitoring and love.
- When children do see images or reports of tragedies, Fred Rogers (Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood) suggests that we help them “look for all the people who are helping.” Couple the sad tragedy with the comforting presence of others who are helping and taking care of others.
- While we as adults may feel unsure of the possibility of future tragedies, uncertainty is the province of adulthood. We must always let children know that we will take care of them and protect them.
- Practice conversations with other adults. Use simple language. Avoid imposing meanings or interpretations on children. Tell a child what they need to know – not all that you know.
- In explaining acts of intentional interpersonal violence, like acts of terrorism, say something like, “Some people did some bad things and other people were hurt. But you are safe here and we will protect you.” Be careful not to make generalizations about groups of people.
- If the status of a child’s parent or relative is unknown, reassure the child that you will stay with him/her and that you will be sure to contact someone they know who can come to be with them.
- If a child’s parent or relative is missing and may have died, let the child know that you will be sure that someone from their family or another close person comes to take care of them. Let them know that you care for them, hold and hug them if they will let you, and tell them that you are sad with them.
- Anniversaries may reactivate original feelings, losses and worries. While this is true for young children (under age 7), they are more influenced by the responses of the adults in their lives and the images/reports they are exposed to.
- Recognize that there are some feelings we can only share and cannot fix. Children need us to be there with, and for them, at such times.
The Safe Start Center also has some important tips we would like to re-share regarding How Babies and Toddlers Are Impacted by Exposure to Violence and How to Help Them:
- Look for changes in a child’s behavior. Is the baby/toddler acting differently? Sometimes it’s hard to tell what’s normal and what’s not. For example, babies have days when they are clingy or do not want to eat. But if a baby does these things more and more often, to the point that you become concerned, you may need to consult with a mental health professional.
- Provide comfort with a security blanket, a pacifier, or a special toy.
- Soothe them by rocking, holding or singing,
- Spend time in face-to-face interactions, lots of baby talk and giggles. Babies love to see your face and hear their caregiver´s voice.
- Follow their lead. If the child wants to be picked up, do so.
- Ask questions that will help them tell you their feelings. For example, “You look scared. Would you like me to hold you?” Or, “You look sad. What would help you feel better?”
- Find people you trust to babysit so you can take care of yourself.
And finally, when you are faced with the question, “Why do bad things happen?”, there are some spiritual approaches that may also help. Read the wise and loving words of Pastor Leah Lonsbury here. Some of the highlights:
- These things happen, because we have to be free to love. We have to choose love. Nobody else can choose it for us, or it isn’t love. God loves us, and hopes we choose to love each other and God, but it doesn’t always work that way.
- When we don’t choose love (which shows up as generosity, kindness, fairness, compassion, thoughtfulness, etc.), then hurt or brokenness happens. We can think of our world as a big web, where we’re all connected and our well being is tied to the well being of everybody else in the web (and the web itself, if you want to bring the natural world/creation into this). If one connection is damaged, then it has effects for all of us. When we mend a weakened or broken connection, the whole web grows stronger and healthier. Sometimes it can be hard to see where hurt or brokenness has happened in the web. Sometimes it’s hidden. Sometimes it happens so often it becomes “normal” to us, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t hurt or brokenness and it doesn’t need to be healed through love.
- Sometimes people don’t know how or can’t choose love. Sometimes they don’t realize they’re causing hurt or brokenness. Sometimes they don’t realize they have a choice. Sometimes their minds are hurt or sick just like our bodies can be hurt or sick, and they cause a lot of harm to themselves and to our web.
- God does not cause hurt or brokenness for any reason, ever. One way to think about God is as the One who created or dreamed of this web. God holds the web (and all of us) with enormous hope and deep, deep love and affection – just like our parents dream and hope for us in love. God wants only the best for each one of us and for the whole web. But we also have to want it. We have to choose love.
- If the web seems awfully broken, and we’re feeling scared or worried or not at all hopeful, we can always be a part of the healing, of offering love. We can start with our friends and families, and we can reach wider by sharing, speaking up, acting in kindness, changing how we live, and moving through the world (around our web) in gentle ways that strengthen our connections to each other and God. And if God seems far away when hard things happen, look for those who are acting in loving kindness and doing their best to bring about healing. (Hint – it might be you you’re looking for.) That’s where God will show up. God shows up wherever there is hope, wherever there is healthy change, wherever there is forgiveness, and wherever we find healed and strengthened and restored connections.
The views and opinions expressed on this blog are purely the blog contributor’s. Any product claim, statistic, quote or other representation about a product or service should be verified with the manufacturer or provider. Writers may have conflicts of interest, and their opinions are their own.
