You asked and now you shall receive. It’s only fair for us to share all of this stored up knowledge about toddlers and what happens when they start toddling (and talking)! We will now answer, in a very public forum, all of those burning questions about children in their second year. Each month, we will tackle a commonly-asked-question from the point of view of a parent with a toddler. Chiming in to give her feedback will be an expert who has been there and done that. Earmark, share and add your own input to today’s question; it’s good karma.
My toddler seems to always argue with other toddlers (pushes, takes toys, pulls hair). What can I do to make him stop?
Toddlers argue with other toddlers because they are developing social skills – which is full of challenges. Young children are learning that other friends want what they want, need what they need and experience and express the same emotions. Friendships, sharing, and turn-taking are challenging concepts to master, and toddler-hood is where it all begins. Assisting toddlers with strategies to make connections in a positive way will take parent support and understanding.
Try staying very close to your toddler at the park or on a playdate and be prepared to help.
Sometimes adult help takes the place of active participation, while sometimes staying close is to see if your toddler can problem solve. It is important to help your toddler solve conflicts. When you see your toddler engaged in a conflict, treat both children with understanding. Try saying, “It looks like you are both angry and want the same toy. It is not okay to hit or pull the toy. What else can we do? I will help.”
Hold your toddler if they have grabbed the toy and try saying, “Let’s go find another toy to play with so your friend can have a turn with this ball.” If your toddler hits or pushes, take your toddler gently away from the situation. Remind him that he cannot hurt his friends. Take him home from the park or end a playdate so he can begin to make the connection between his behavior and staying at the park. These strategies take time, but toddlers need this kind of parental guidance to help them regulate their big big feelings – and over time, these strategies will take hold.
Toddlers can be very territorial with both their toys and some else’s toys. Try sitting on the floor and start a small game with a ball. After a few minutes one of the children may keep the ball. Name the reaction: “Look – Megan has the ball! Megan, Jack wants a turn. Can you throw it to jack?”
Megan may not throw the ball, so use this as a time to say, “Megan, Jack is sad or mad. Jack, this is hard taking turns.” If Jack is crying, comfort him, but also give him some choices. For example: “Let’s ask Megan again,” or “Megan, can we play with the ball in a few minutes?” or “Megan, Jack and I are going to get another ball to play with – would you like to come with us?” This models some solutions and helps Megan re-enter some turn taking.
Also, try to keep playdates very short. An hour or slightly more may be more than enough time. Try to have the first part of the playdate with you and the other parent on the floor, so you can guide and sometimes divert problems. Most importantly, leave when things are still positive.
Things can go well some days, but also fall apart very abruptly. If your toddler has a bad day, try to keep yourself from getting too angry. Developing friendships is like learning to walk- it is full of attempts and bumps and bruises. Use every opportunity to talk to your toddler. Try saying to your toddler if the day has gone poorly, “Megan wanted the red truck, too. That was hard. We will try again soon to take turns.”
Finally, try to model some of these problems with trucks or animals. Let the two dump trucks have similar challenges turn-taking or grabbing. Allow your toddler to create their own solutions. Try not to guide the solutions for your toddler so that this becomes a safe way for your toddler to practice problem solving.
Marsha Greenberg is a therapist in New York City. She is the author of the newly released book, Raising Your Toddler, by Globe Pequot Press. She has masters degrees in Child and Family Development and Social Work from the University of Michigan. As the Director of the Health Systems Child Care Program for over 14 years, she was responsible for over 250 children between the ages of 6 weeks and 6 years of age. Marsha teaches in the Early Childhood Special Education department at NYU and has a private psychotherapy practice in NYC. Marsha is the mother of three grown sons and has three grandsons (aged 4 and 18 months and 4 months) with a new grandchild on the way.
Comments are closed.