…And How to Keep Him/Her Like That
OK, let’s go with the idea – that one that has been popping up all over your Facebook and Twitter feed – the idea that three-year-olds are as… umm… hmmm… assertive. It is kind of a rough call to make about a three-year-old, don’t ya think?
But I do see where parents and grown-ups might be coming from. Three-year-olds are an interesting anomaly. Here are a few reasons why folks might feel a bit hostile about the preschooler:
Ahhh, the three-year-old. She has mastered it all. She walks. She talks. She can do everything (she thinks) on her own, and if she could only reach the food on the top shelf of the fridge, or even just open the door, she would move out. She doesn’t need you. She has it all figured out and while you think that you have too, you are wrong. Very wrong. Wronger than anything never in the whole wide world wrong! She doesn’t understand why you can’t just see things her way – the right way. All that being said, you are not doomed for the next year. There are ways to communicate and, for lack of a better word, deal, with your three-year-old.
Stop Negotiating.
One constant that I see in articles and blogs about these preschoolers is that they are hard to negotiate with. No kidding – we’re talking three! And while we’re at it, why are you negotiating? Please let your child have a voice, but negotiating is not something that you should be doing with a three-year-old – or most people in your personal life.
Be clear about your requests, listen to what your child thinks, but, for the most part, stay your course.
- “You asked for toast for breakfast so I made it. Now you want pancakes. I hear you, but the toast is made. You can eat it or not eat it. That is up to you, but you were clear and I heard your words.”
- “I know that you want your green shirt, but it is in the wash. You can choose another shirt or I will choose one for you. We are leaving in 10 minutes with a shirt you choose or one that I do.”
Stay calm and end the conversation quickly. Ideas and requests can be discussed at times, but no negotiating.
Do not fear the tantrum.
They are loud and messy and three-year-olds have nailed them, but they are not to be feared or avoided. Take a step back, let them happen, find your happy place, and even admire it. Yes, watch it like theater. Some tantrums are just fantastic. I am not saying tease or make fun of your kids, but for your own sanity, find the beauty where it looks like a beast.
I have a small friend who, while tantruming, will throw herself dramatically on couches and carpets, kneel and lay her head on a chair. It is a sight to see. Tantrums happen, and the less that you try to yell, punish, or control them away, the faster they tend to vanish. Do not get pulled into tantrums or fits or arguments with your three-year-old. Let him feel what he needs to feel and you just drift off to your happy place (beach, quiet, fruity drink, trashy book…)
Be clear about consequences and be sure to follow through quickly.
One reason that three-year-olds do things is because they can. They throw a fit about wanting the pink cup and not the red one, and they get the pink cup. They throw a toy at the dog and they get a warning, or yelled at, but no real consequence befalls them. They still have the toy and they again will throw it at the dog. They keep refusing the food that you offer, so you keep making more and more and more in the hopes that you will placate them. Many grown ups of three-year-olds (and even children at various ages) kowtow to their children out of fear of a fight or tantrum (revisit #2).
They live anxiously, not wanting to upset the wee rulers of the tiny kingdom that you call home. This is no way to live. Parents don’t want this and honestly, neither do your kids, but it is up to you to break the cycle. Your kids can’t and won’t. If you want a behavior to stop, then stop it.
Your child pushes at the playground? Let him know that if you see that again you are going home because he are not being safe. You see it again? Go home! You want him to stop watching TV, turn it off, and if a tantrum ensues, no TV for the rest of the day since it is too hard to stop. Clarity and follow through will end a lot of the drama.
I want to make one thing very clear. My favorite ages of kids are 3 and 4. I love their excitement for everything and how they explore their world and test it. I also love a challenge. I love watching a child go from a combative, controlling, and tantruming 3-year-old, to one who can express herself and her feelings in more clear and productive ways. The 3s do not have to be a time of trauma. With a little work and clarity, you will be enjoying your tiny, intelligent, eloquent, adorable, and self-assured 3-year-old again!
And when you can’t, head to your happy place (beach, quiet, fruity drink, trashy book…)
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Brandi Davis, ACC, is a professional Parenting Coach, Parent Educator, and Author of O.K. I’m A Parent Now What? She can also be found on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and be sure to catch her parenting podcasts on iTunes. The goal of Brandi’s practice is to bring respect, calm communication, teamwork, and FUN into the home or classroom. To discover all that Child and Family Coaching can bring to your family stop by www.childandfamilycoaching.com.
The views and opinions expressed on this blog are purely the blog contributor’s. Any product claim, statistic, quote or other representation about a product or service should be verified with the manufacturer or provider. Writers may have conflicts of interest, and their opinions are their own.
