But what about me?!
I recently had the opportunity to hold an open forum discussion about parenting. Folks came and asked parenting questions that they had on their minds. One thing that struck me was how many times parents would refer to themselves as “bad parents”. It was disheartening, and I tried to make it clear that they were not, in fact, bad parents. They just had needs, and they were allowed to get those needs met. Yup parents, you are allowed and must do for YOU! I want to touch on some of those needs here.
Need to have space
We love our kids. We love to hold them, snuggle with them, read to them, nap with them. These moments are so important for bonding, and create those beautiful moments and memories. Wanna know what can be even better than those moments? A moment where NO ONE IS TOUCHING YOU. No one is hanging on your leg, putting their hands in your face. A moment where no one is pulling on your shirt, or climbing up your side.
The parents at my talk felt guilty when they wanted to say to their kids, “Get off of me.” It is OK to want space. Be clear about your need for time untouched: “This is my body and I want it to myself right now. I will be happy to snuggle with you in a little bit.” Isn’t this what you hope your kids will say when someone is trying to get into their space? You want them to learn that their body is theirs, and your body is yours. If we give all of ourselves to our children, we will be left with nothing to give. It is OK to need your space.
Need to do for themselves
When was the last time that you went to the bathroom by yourself? Made a sandwich and ate most of it? Read an article all the way through? Why not? For most parents it was guilt. They felt that their kids needed them and that their shower time could be interrupted for just about anything from an ended movie to an announcement that a favorite color was now yellow instead of green. That they really didn’t need to answer that email from a friend. Parents felt funny about getting a sitter mid-day to actually do some much needed shopping for themselves, or even to just go to the doctor alone.
It is OK for you to put yourself first at times. Being a giver is wonderful, but we also need to give to ourselves. What a great opportunity to model the importance of self care to your kids! Take that shower (if your kids are napping or are old enough to play alone for a bit); read that article while your young child plays with his toys by your side; get that sitter and do something for you. If we give all of ourselves to our children, we will be left with nothing to give. It is OK to need time for you.
Need to be spoken to respectfully
I am not sure exactly when we began to let kids speak to us in ways that we would never let a partner, friend, family member, or co-worker speak to us. The tones that we hear from our 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7… year-olds resemble those of a snarky teen or obnoxious grown up. At first we may think it is cute, all that spunk and such. How strong, smart, and powerful our kids are. We think, “This too shall pass.” No, it will not pass, and it gets un-cute, very quickly. Very quickly.
While children do have the right to speak their minds, attitude and rudeness are not gifts that we want to give. Acrimony and bossiness do not equate to strength and leadership. Leaders speak with respect and they respect those around them.
When they do snark out, give them the words and tone that you want to hear: “I would like to help you, but I need you to use your calm voice (your Emily voice, your clear voice, whatever works best for you).” That does not mean that you have to agree to the request – you just want the request delivered in a more productive manner. Changing the communication in your home changes the mood and changes how everyone interacts, reacts, and hears each other. Attitude can be draining and frustrating. If we give all of ourselves to our children, we will be left with nothing to give. It is OK to need respectful and calm tones.
You are not a “bad parent” for wanting to be treated like a person. You are a parent, but you are also still YOU. You have needs and wants, and you can find time to get those met. Being an advocate for you, your needs and your wants, can be energizing and make the time with your family more meaningful and enjoyable. As the new year approaches, think about how you can incorporate these ideas into the next year.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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Brandi Davis, ACC, is a professional Parenting Coach, Parent Educator, and Author of O.K. I’m A Parent Now What? She can also be found on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and be sure to catch her parenting podcasts on iTunes. The goal of Brandi’s practice is to bring respect, calm communication, teamwork, and FUN into the home or classroom. To discover all that Child and Family Coaching can bring to your family stop by www.childandfamilycoaching.com.
The views and opinions expressed on this blog are purely the blog contributor’s. Any product claim, statistic, quote or other representation about a product or service should be verified with the manufacturer or provider. Writers may have conflicts of interest, and their opinions are their own.
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