Relationship-Building for Children and Long-Distance Relatives

How can your children have more intimate relationships with long-distance family members?

With my wife already on the way to work, I dropped Mikey (3 yrs) and Sophia (2 yrs) off at preschool, touching base with their teachers while helping them take off their jackets and gloves. Looking up at me with tear-filled eyes, little Mikey said “dwon weeve meeee” [that’s toddler-speak for ‘don’t leave me’], so I gave him a hug and kiss. “Mikey, it will be okay, I’m just going to work and I’ll see you at home tonight. Please go play with your friends and if you listen to your teachers today at school, we can FaceTime with ‘Gammy’ and ‘Pop-pop’ when you get home, okay?.” He said “Okay” and ran off into the room.

My heart sank as I walked down the hall. I could feel the weight of our decision to live far away from my parents and siblings who still live where I grew up. Instead of dropping my kids off at my parents’ if we want a night out, we must rely on friends and neighbors.

But, we are not alone. These kinds challenges are shared by 60% of families that live in a different city than where they grew up [1] and where a natural support system resides. Besides the expenses associated with daycare and babysitters, there are more intangible costs associated with having long-distance relatives. My kids miss out on having regular visits with important people in our lives and I am worried they will not form the strong bonds with their extended family that are so important to their development [2, 3].

My concerns are legitimate. The involvement of relatives [5] and particularly grandparents in young children’s lives protects them from developing social [6], emotional and behavioral problems [7]. However, only 30% of grandparents see their grandkids every week, another 32% see them once a month, and the rest see their kids less frequently [8]. The largest source of conflict in grandparent-grandchild relationships is geographic distance [9]. The main reasons grandparents report for not being able to see their grandkids as often as they would like include geographical distance and conflicting schedules [10].  Some grandparents, however, are ill, working, have their own kids, or don’t have the money to see their grandchildren on a regular basis [11].

But, there is hope.  My wife and I recently surprised my 87-year-old grandfather with an iPad mini filled with his favorite movies, music, books, and most importantly, photos and videos of his grandkids.  We hid extra icons and provided step-by-step visual instructions for viewing the home movies of the kids. We also walked him through how to use FaceTime to chat with the kids. According to the AARP, we are not alone in this approach to maintaining close family relationships over a geographical divide. 60% of grandparents talk on the phone weekly with their grandchildren and approximately 1/3 communicate digitally or online [10].

I decided to take action and do something about it. About a year ago, when my children were 1 and 2 years-old, I found the infrequent visits and sporadic phone and FaceTime calls were not doing enough to help them get to know their family members. That is when I came up with the idea for an app called NameGames that could teach infants and toddlers the names, faces, and voices of family members.  By playing with the app, my kids are constantly reminded of their relatives in an exciting, developmentally appropriate setting. Plus, it allows us to devote the little time they have with relatives to fun games and activities rather than learning who everyone is.

Recently, we joined the holiday festivities via Facetime. My kids were so excited to see the people that they had seen in the app and each of our relatives’ faces lit up when they heard Mikey and Sofia say their names. My kids immediately saw the joy on the faces of their relatives and responded with big smiles of their own.

Jordan P. Lippman, Ph.D. is Founder and Principal Scientist at NameGames, LLC. With a PhD in Cognitive Psychology, Dr. Lippman is an expert in designing and evaluating learning environments. As a father of two toddlers and an integral member of the NameGames team, he is passionate about developing verbal and communication skills in young children.

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