We often receive comments and questions from readers such as the query posed below:
I know a couple of women who are stuck! What does stuck mean?
When we mentioned to the author that other people with the same internal conversation would be interested in what she had to say, she gave us her approval to reprint her letter. We thought the rest of you would be interested if we shared this e-mail with you. It might be thought provoking – or even just affirming – that you are not alone with your feelings.
In this case it means that they are very unhappy in their marital relationships, BUT scared of the ramifications that extricating themselves will have on their precious treasures – their children.
Words of wisdom that I can offer: There is always a tipping point. The #1 priority of every mom is to keep her family intact, to keep her kids happy. Balancing that with the mom’s deeply sad internal emotional state is almost impossible – thus the state of being “stuck.”
We ask ourselves, “What is more important – our kids’ happiness or our own?” We ask ourselves, “If we could actually ask our kids their opinions, would they want their mom to be incredibly unhappy in her relationship and therefore in her daily existence for their sake?” Would they prefer to be sheltered from a family shake-up rather than see their own mom happy?
What would you choose? Not easy to answer.
I know of some moms and dads who have divorced and have really thrown their kids into a huge negative spin. These parents, however, weren’t acting, in my opinion, like mature adults.
Can you become un-stuck and not so drastically change the course of your kids’ lives that they resent you and hate you and forever remember the divorce? Very hard, BUT POSSIBLE!
Again I offer: being stuck is a mindset. When the balance shifts and your unhappiness affects your health, when it pervades your every minute with profound unhappiness, I say that you can do it. Find a way – because you matter! It is NOT easy; no one ever said it was.
Do you feel you matter?
We asked this anonymous author, “If anyone could have offered advice, what would it have been?” Her answer: “Get your ducks in a row quietly for about a year before you spring divorce papers.”
Divorce is an arena that poses huge problems for the integrity of family life, as well as family resources. Few people come to the proverbial “divorce table” with the appropriate information needed to work effectively with divorce professionals.
Divorce Information NOW L.L.C. helps people to be “masters of their own destiny.” The company has produced: “DIVORCEapedia: The Who, What, When, Where & How of Divorce,” a workbook covering topics that include “Financial Information,” “Interviewing, Choosing Lawyers,” “Division of Assets,” “Marital History,” “Parenting Through the Divorce Process” and “Alimony.”
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