… or “How To Let Your Kids Be Kids And Not Be MORTIFIED By Them!”
Yours is the kid who puts corn in her water at dinner. Or the one who insists on eating ice cream with a fork. Or who wants to only wear green because when he grows up he wants to be a frog. Or who wants to look under every rock for bugs, while you just want to get home already. Or who asks you every morning what is for dinner. Or who wants to break her banana up into tiny pieces. Or who goes limp if you hold his hand because he likes the feeling of walking independently, even if it is right at your side. Or who puts EVERYTHING IN HER MOUTH.
Ok, you get my drift. Then with each offense, annoyance, idea… you get angrier and angrier. My question is: why?
Why do you care if your child wants corn water or if he want to eat ice cream with a fork? Why do you care? This is the question that we will explore here today.
Judgey McJudgerson
Perhaps you care because of that ‘Judgey McJudgerson’ – the person who watches you and silently judges your parenting style. They are everywhere. They watch while your kid does all that weird stuff that you wish that she would not do, especially in
PUBLIC! You know what Judgey McJudgerson is thinking – that you are the worst, most
irresponsible, lenient, out of control parent in the world. Judgies are at the mall, the playground, the market, the museum, in your head. Yes, there are people who look at situations and judge quietly or notp-so-quietly at times. It’s not right, but you know we
have ALL done it. The thing is, the judging is not happening nearly as much as you perceive it to be.
People have a lot going on in their lives and your kid putting ketchup on his blueberries is probably at the BOTTOM of most people’s list of things to take note of. That being said, some people enjoy watching others lives as if they were watching some kind of National Geographic episode, and I have something to say about that: There are two types of people in this world – those who have or work with kids and those who DON’T. With the first group, they have been right where you are and understand. The other, well, who cares about them because they have no idea what you are going through, so poo on them.
So, the next time your kid wants to try walnuts in her apple juice or peanut butter on his broccoli just think, you could have the next Wolfgang Puck or Bobby Flay on your hands – and do you really want to stifle that? And, even if they do not grow up to be a famous chef, think of it this way: they are ingesting all that healthy stuff that you keep begging them to eat, even if it is in kind of a gross way.
It’s Just Not Right
Perhaps you care because certain actions are just not right. Who decides what is right and not right and how did they get this honor? Kids do very “unright” things all the time. These unright things help them learn about the world around them. Kids touch, explore, get dirty, mix, talk back, put stuff places that they should not and eat things that people on Fear Factor would never touch. It may not be pretty, but it is how they gain information. Should we let kids put beans in their ears, noses and other unsafe places? Touch fire to see if it really is THAT hot? No way, BUT there is no need to make kids feel bad about what they do in the name of discovery.
“You are so stupid.” “You are disgusting.” “Only babies do that.” You may think that these phrases will drive your point home, but you will only cause guilt and shame for your child, which are never the things that we want to pass on to the next generation.
Help them find other safe and more productive ways to quell curiosities. Did your child stick a branch in his mouth? Instead of a 20-minute lecture about how gross he is and how he shouldn’t do that and how could he and haven’t we talked about this and…. Help him discover other ways to explore the stick.
“I know sticks are interesting, but they are also dirty when found on the ground and we do not want you getting sick. That is no fun. There are other ways to explore the stick. Do you have any ideas?” (Need some ideas yourself? Tap the stick on different objects and talk about the different sounds. Feel the stick with hands, arms, legs, feet. Break the stick and see what is inside. Smell it. You don’t have to, but your kid will love it.) Someone walking by, eyeing your crazy kid smelling a stick? You eye ‘em right back for being a Nosey Nellie. Yes, I just said ‘Nosey Nellie’ and I am under 92 – deal with it.
You Should Care
Perhaps you care because you feel that you should. You should care that your child only wears things with super-heroes or your little girl will not wear a dress. You should care if your boy only wants to play with dolls and your girl only wants to play with trucks. You should care that at a long family dinner your child wants to get up, eat while standing or slide under the table. You should care. You should care. YOU SHOULD
CARE! BUT WHY?
Try this activity: Keep track of every time that you yell at or say “No” to your child because you feel that you should care about what she is doing. What was the number? Probably shocking, huh?
There are things that we must say no to or care about, so why not lay up on some of the other more minor oddities that your child chooses to explore? She must wear long sleeves and pants on a frigid day. Do you really care that, yet again, it must be the red shirt with the green truck? She is warm, right? That is the big concern. No one is buggin’ you about the lip gloss that you have been wearing since you were 16. You’re 39, put down the strawberry lip gloss. Yes, the root beer one too.
Society, and maybe your friends, family and neighbors, love to tell you what your child should and should not be doing and how you should care about your child’s strange choice in behavior. The truth is that if we let some kid weirdnesses and choices go, there would be less fighting, better relationships, and more listening. Quick side note: The more that you care about his choice and yell about it and get fired up, the more that your kid will choose to do it.
Do you freak when your child puts jelly on her tuna sandwich? She is gonna keep at it because when a child can make you lose your, um… mind, he feels a bit powerful. That feels good to a child who does not have a lot of power or control in his life. Perhaps he may think it is a bit funny to watch mom and dad go batty. Keep your cool and the kinda gross sandwich idea will probably be a less desirable choice next time.
Have you tried to figure it out yet? How many times a day that you yell or “NO”your child? It is probably more than you think. Maybe it is time to toss out some of those should-care-about items, give up some control and gain a better relationship with your child, and regain a calmer feeling within yourself.
Your child does not want to hold your hand?
You think that you should care because if he does not hold your hand, walking will be unsafe. Try giving him parameters and the consequence of breaking them.
“I know that you enjoy walking by yourself. I need you to walk right next to
me and then hold my hand when we cross the street. If you can do that I am
happy to let you walk by yourself. If you walk too fast, walk away, or do not hold
my hand while crossing the street you will have to hold my hand for the rest of
the walk.” The alternative is spending the next seven blocks pulling arms, squeezing hands
and yelling at your child.
Your child wants to put mustard on their pasta? Go for it. YOU don’t have to eat it. Ask your child where he got the idea. Talk about how it tastes and ask if he would he make the choice again. What makes it yummy or not so yummy?
Your kid insists on wearing her boots EVERYDAY? Sure. She may get a bit warm and not be able to run quite as fast but, eh, no real harm done – at least not as much as your running commentary about how she is being ridiculous, or silly, or worse.
There are so many things in this world that you really need to care about. You need to make sure that your child does not put himself or others in harm’s way. You must make sure that you child eats a healthy diet. You must make sure that your child does not use unkind words. There are so many things to say “No” to or insist upon or care about. See if you can find three safe things to let go of caring about today.
Drop a line and let us know how you feel after doing so at [email protected].
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Brandi Davis, ACC is a certified Parenting Coach, Parent Educator, and Author of O.K. I’m A Parent Now What? She can also be found on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and be sure to catch her parenting podcasts on iTunes. The goal of Brandi’s practice is to bring respect, calm communication, teamwork, and FUN into the home or classroom. To discover all that Child and Family Coaching can bring to your family stop by www.childandfamilycoaching.com
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